sunk?

he talked about it all being a flow.
nothing ever staying the same, things circling
around again and repeating, yet different,
everything fluid and flowing.

i totally agree. i know it so big time in my head.
but not down in my bones.

i really believe that's the nature of life.
change.
it's always changing.

so why isn't that my natural way of looking at things??
why is it that this whole thought really is fairly
new in my thinking??? i don't remember having it when
i was 20, or 30....think i was just getting it around 40.
but by just getting it.....i mean it came to my mind.
not to my whole belief system.....not deep down in my cells.

why am i always looking for the solution, for things to
resolve and be 'all set now.'??
why do i always think there's a particular WAY it's
sposed to be?? a rule? an outcome?

okay.
forget it.
who cares why???
i spose i can blame the culture, my thick headedness,
whatever.....
who the heck cares why???

i'm asking why in frustration.
because i want it to be in my bones.
because i want to be okay with change.

so, maybe the question is wrong.
maybe the question needs to be HOW can i
flow with the tide more smoothly???

and you know what's funny about that?
it's also looking for answers...for rules.....
for 'a way.'.....

guess the how is always changing too.

gotta be, right???

great.
i think i'm sunk.