tryin'....

camille posted a comment on the totally muddled post
that got me thinking this morning....
(thanks, camille!!)
she said that letting go is allowing a situation to BE...
not fighting or resisting it.

sigh.......

i read that and my whole body just kinda sighed.

does anyone else find themselves fighting things all the time?!

my gosh!

i was at it again last nite.

i so want to open my heart. i want that to be what i do.
i was doin' that big time....opened easily.....and then when
i did, i felt some pain i really didn't want to feel.
so bam. let me just close up a little bit here, it'll be easier.

then the fight starts.
no, don't do that. that's not what you want to do.
oh yes it is.
no, no, no....that's not how you want to live.
well i don't want to feel this pain anymore so if it means
part way open, i'm okay with that.
no, no, no.

and on the fight went.
it got into beating myself up pretty good.

if i'm not doin' that then i'm fighting a situation,
or fighting a reaction to it, or fighting the need to fix it.

my gosh.
who knew?
i'm a fighter.

and that's not so good, ya know?

ya see that? i even want to fight the fact that i'm a fighter.

a feisty ol' fighter.
sometimes that's a good thing.
sometimes not so good.

i was told in a not so subtle way last nite that i wasn't loving
myself by beating myself up.....

loving yourself must be allowing yourself to feel, huh?
a no brainer once again.

if you really can't offer your all unless you really love
yourself....and you really can't love yourself unless you feel...
and you really can't feel unless you hold it all......

then i guess i just gotta hold it all.

and then you let it go.

jeesh. life certainly is a challenge........