it's all in the cards......

okay, i pulled a card last nite from one of those
decks of cards that give you something to think about.
and it did.
it talked about bein' myself and being aware of who
i am and claiming that.
ewwwww.....i liked that.

left it out so i'd be thinking about it this morning.

and i did. i walked and thought about it and it rolled
into claiming things that did or did not work for me.
delight started to creep over me. ya mean..like say....
the way you're acting right now doesn't work for me,
and i'm goin' off to do my own thing right now????
ohhhhhh yes. that feels good. that's a struggle for me.
i had just done that. had just hung up with a very
frustrated friend. it wasn't aimed at me, but it felt
lousy just the same. i had hung in there long enough
to try to show some support, but got out of there before
i felt worse than i already did.

the idea that the card talked about,
the claiming who i am,
that felt like that made that okay. it's
okay to say this isn't workin' for me. i'll love you from
over here, okay?

then i came home and picked another card.
oh great. this one was about seein' love in a different way.
offering love when you really don't feel like it.

oh great. great. great.
that's something i'm always tryin' to do.....open my heart
more. not run away and hide. not be selfish about what i give.
and i fall short a lotta times.

i immediately went to my dysfunctional upbringing of 'give
yourself away and love the other person.' and immediately
felt guilty for headin' off on my own this morning.

then it hit me.
wait a minute.
oh just wait a minute.
what i just did.........WAS loving in a different way for
me! it was sayin' 'this is who i am, this isn't workin'
for me, and i'll love you over here while you do what you
have to do.'

that IS love!
and it's different for me because it's HEALTHY!

suddenly i was getting delighted all over again!
i hadn't said any of that out loud. it was all to myself.
and i had thought of callin' my friend back just to tell
him i loved him...but decided it would be better to love
him quietly this morning.

i HAD chose love. and i HAD chose me too!

go figure.