outta the blue....

so i'm walkin and in pops a thought outta the blue.
ohhhh that's a good thought.
something on the practical side that i should do.

okay. i can do that.

and i get all tickled. i love the fact that these things
just land in on me sometimes and i'll listen.

start thinking about that and tellin' myself that i need
to listen ALL the time and that i'm sure these things
land in way more than i know.

i want it to be a way of life for me.

then bam.
right then.
bam.
in floods some really really heavy memories.

it was the day i heard the news of a suicide.
moments from the day just started pouring thru me.
feelings came back. i could feel all the feelings
as the memories played thru my mind. just certain
moments. a moment here. a moment there.

getting the call, hearing the voice on the other
end of the phone.

clutching my son's shoulder.

holding someone as they collapsed and wailed.

moments in the car on the dark drive up....

they all flooded back in. one after another. and
the feelings were so strong. i felt like i was
reliving them. i could feel my hand on josh's shoulder.
could still feel my fingers twisting his shirt.
i could feel it all....i could hear the voices.
the pain. the shock. all of it.

wow.
where did this come from???

i thought about how i hadn't really helped myself
with all of that. that i had been so busy tryin' to
help everyone else, that i still had a lotta work
to do for me. and i remembered the thought that these
things come up when you're strong enough to handle them.
and i think that might be it...

but i think there's more too....
it had to have something to do with listening to things
that pop in. it had to have something to do with those
thoughts i was havin' right before this happened.

and ya ready?
thick headed terri finishes her walk and starts to head
in the house. well, okay, i'll just put all that on the
shelf and start my day!
no kidding!!!
helloooooooo???

so i stopped myself and said oh.
maybe not.
maybe i better sit out here for a bit and hold it all.

so i sat until i could get to a spot where i didn't have
to put it on the shelf for the day. where i could carry
it with me and pay attention and listen to those things
that just come outta the blue.

i'm holdin' it all close now. and listening.