just a few thousand questions......

there's a memory i have that will prolly always
be floatin' in my head real clear.....

it's of sittin' at my dad's funeral. lookin' over
at the velvety blue sack that held his ashes. it
was one of those 'time stopped' moments. and that's
how i remember it. no movement. just everything
standing still.

sittin' there wonderin' what the heck is it all about?
what's left? is that it? ashes?

i do believe that was the beginning of what i've been
callin' 'my mid life crisis' that's been goin' on for
almost two years now.

all the questions from that time... that's when i saw
all the dreams and beliefs i had lost....and i wondered
where the heck am i now? what the heck do i believe in??

and so i've wandered since.
watching the different stages of it all.

a significant new stage started this week with my
letting go of something that i needed to let go of.
i felt the shift immediately.

yesterday i realized i was coming back to some of that
energy i had before my pop died. back to some of the
excitement of where am i going and what am i doin'.

had a conversation last nite about living wisely and what
did that exactly mean? i got prolly the wisest answer there
is. and yeah, i totally blew it off.

he said it was about loving each other.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

grin. that's so funny. i sure can be one romantic date.
i kinda groaned when he said that.
and i know he's right. it's about love. maybe that's
why the groan....love......the hardest thing of all.

so this morning i set out on my walk to figure out where
it is i wanted to go. what i wanted to do with my time.
and how did love fit into the whole thing.

i came home with a thousand more questions than when i
started....

what are we here for?
what difference does any of it make?
what is 'offering'?
is that really a giving or is it a taking in disguise?
same with love.
what the heck is love? and is that a giving or is it
a taking in disguise?
can you offer yourself to the world?
is that healthy or weird?
is offering yourself to yourself more important?
is it the same thing?
is offering the same thing as love?
is it better to put out to the universe that you want
to work with the flow and are ready to get back in it,
or is it better to just flat out ask for help and just
let go and be guided?
is it always a kick in the face to be guided? does it
always have to explode your life?
if it happens anyway, why ask?
what if you get brave enough and say 'i offer myself,
take it.'
what happens?
does that change anything?
is the change from the outside or the inside?
or both?
that one shook me, so there must be some power in it.
what is the power?
fear?
love?
if it's all inside me, do i just find it and let it out,
or do i let it find me?
when i'm all done........what is it i want to have happened?
when i'm ashes.....what will it have been all about?

he was right.
love.

still don't know what to do with that......
but that's okay.

what does rilke say? something about loving the questions
and living your way into the answers?
man, maybe he didn't know how many questions i could have.
nah.......i think he way knew.
if it was good enough for rilke, i guess it's good enough
for me....