no crying this morning

i'm a world class cryer.
i can outcry the best of them.
drop of a hat, i cry.

not this morning.

i just ended a post about crying
and got to thinking....

got my morning call from my guy.
he's stressed way more than he knows.
he knows i'm havin' a hard time this morning,
but he got kinda caught up in his own stuff.
and he snapped at me.
normally i woulda cried.
i didn't.
told him i hadn't done anything wrong and not
to take it out on me. he apologized.
we were fine.

he asked me how i was doin', how i was feelin'.
told him i felt like i was a flood of tears
waitin' to happen. like i could just burst at
any time.

and then i proceeded to tell light silly stories
of my day yesterday. tried to make us both laugh.

figured he needed something light...and i did too.
thought i was just taking care of him. even saw
myself do it and wondered at myself.
will you always be taking care of everyone else,
terri, even when you need it???

thing is....
i think i was taking care of myself....
and didn't know it.

cause i'm thinking i really don't want to cry
right now.

now why is that??? i'm quite comfortable crying.
why is that???

am i afraid if i start i won't stop?
will it open me up even more?
will it show i can't take it?
will it bring me down?

don't know.
just know i want to laugh right now.

so i guess i'll kinda just watch and see what i do.
i seem to have a life of my own this morning..
one that's not attached to the rest of me.

weird.