remembering the gold.....

just walked in...my head is bursting with thoughts...
prolly long...but i'm excited....

walkin' thinking about releasing my hold on stuff.
lettin' go. trustin.

what is it i'm really trusting?
yeah, the universe. that still is part of me.
but more...
trusting ME.
that's the problem here, ter, isn't it?
you gotta trust you.

thinking back...
struggle a few months ago with finances.
getting so discouraged. losing trust.
realizing it's cause i've been down the
finance road before.
didn't want to relive the major budget your
life stuff. didn't want to go there....
been there. done that. don't want it anymore.

ahhhh...but ter......
what about when you pulled off gettin' you
and the kids to your cousin's outta town
wedding??? remember the mass search for
change??remember rounding up every penny
there was in the house...change jars,
under the sofa cushions...in the laundry..
everywhere? remember the excitement with
the kids when you found enough to go??
priceless.

remember standing in the graveyard by the
church in a panic because you didn't know
how to tie a tie for the boys?? remember
the panic of not bein' able to pull off bein'
a single parent....and that man came along?
i will never forget his face. ever. he tied
their ties and patted them and made me remember
i'm not alone.

remember those feelings? angels everywhere.

when i couldn't afford noah what he wanted so
we ALL pitched in? remember that's when being
a team really happened??

those things are gold. gold.
gold mixed among the no money.

okay......so i forgot the gold. just remembered
the pressure, the fear. i forgot the gold.
maybe it'd be okay to go back there if i had
to...

what about my heart? what about the stuff that
was even harder?

remember, ter?
remember figurin' out you really weren't loved?
remember the pain? yeah...and i don't want to
ever go back...

remember drawing the line? if it can't be healthy
love, you don't want any? remember the strength
and belief in yourself that was born??

remember stopping dead in your tracks in the
middle of the street and realizing it wasn't you?
remember when you found yourself that day?

remember all the finding yourself you had to do?
remember thinking you were damaged goods?
remember the pain of that, yeah....
but how about the gold when you figured out you
weren't?

remember crying in the car with your girlfriend
as she looked at you with such love?

how about the people along the way? the shoulders,
the kindness, the caring?

remember the people who gave you breaks and hugged
you? remember the man who hugged you and told you
you could do it when you were replacing the oil
tank??

there was love every step of the way......
and then finding healthy love? finding something
you never touched before?
the gold there?

it's all gold, ter.
you're lost in remembering the fear, the hurt,
the ache.....

don't forget that along with that intensity is
the intensity of the gold.

don't focus on the pain. focus on the gold.

if you do that.....
you can trust yourself to get thru anything.
you've gotten thru.
you will get thru always.
you can trust that.........

and suddenly......it got way easier to release
my grasp.....

give me my life.....i'm ready to hold it....and
release it all at once!!