okay........
i'm curious......
i struggled with her big time.
i went in totally open and viewing her
as wonderful. i usually go in that way.
it's a good way to go in.
so you actually have to work hard to lower
that....
and she just naturally did. i don't know why.
but i struggled and i struggled and i struggled.
i pushed myself over and over to make an effort.
there were two terri's inside me arguing about
it for what seemed like forever.
talk to her.
i don't want to.
you just have to give her a chance.
i did.
you don't really want me to do THAT do you?
yeah, go do THAT.
no. that costs money and i'm budgeting. no.
so you ARE poor because you don't have the
money to be kind?
okay. okay. okay.
i did it. i tried and i did it.
and at the very last moment.....i got some
pay back.
i saw her for real. at the very last moment.
she looked at me and let me in for one second.
and then it was gone.
one second......and it was stunning.
and then it was gone.
as i jumped rope this morning i kept thinking about it...
what was it i didn't like?
the line was great, but i lost it...
but it covered the fact that the stunning part was
covered and hidden, and what hid it was the emphasis
on snooty status stuff. the real was covered by the
fake.
yuck.
i hate that.
but.........there's more to this than i know.
i have used some very childish not nice words
in my head about her. and that's totally out of
character for me. when that's goin' on i know
there's some little terri issues happening. i've
learned to recognize key words.
if i say 'mean' it's a sure sign it's little terri
talking. 'stupid head' is a good clue too.
so i'm curious.
what's that about?
more than just a personality clash?
more than just feelin' bad that someone can't let
the stunning real in them out and covers it with
fake yuck?
what tho?
i honestly don't know......
but i'll be mullin' on this a bit.
i'm thinking there's gold in here somewhere for me.
i just gotta pan for it a bit....
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