a witches stew pot

okay.
the first mistake was putting on good & plenty
flavored chap stick before i headed out.
mmmmmmm i love that stuff.

second mistake was not havin' a plan for my
attack of the body issues.

but it worked out in the end.....
and i don't think i could have come up with this
plan beforehand if i tried!

off i toddled figurin' if i'm in, i'm in and
let's get started.

yeah. right.
this is only the issue that i've planned on never
touching. like i'm gonna concentrate.

i tried.
but everything distracted me.
and if something didn't come along to distract,
i just licked my lips and got distracted by the
good and plenty flavor. mmmmmm i love that stuff.

at one point, i dove in.
went to the obvious place.
the things people have said along the way that have
crushed me at different times.
they came up easily, i remembered them well.
got indignant and thought of how people have no right
to say these kinda things to anyone.
and then i immediately went to the idea that i had no
right to hang on to them.

but, i countered, it's like they're inside of me.
i don't mean to keep them there, but they're in there.

well, then pop them out.

and i pictured holding up a big fabric filled with my
cells....a whole beautiful pattern of my cells holding
these darn memories.
pop those stinkin' memories out, ter.

pop.
pop.

distraction.
ohhhhhhh i love this good and plenty stuff....
wandered off for a bit...

back to it.
other things started floodin' in.

ohmygosh this is complicated.

my upbringing, my parent's hang ups.
my religion.
my feelings about being a girl.
unhealthy messages about bein' a girl.
on and on it went.

ohhhhh this is complicated.
oh, look at that squirrel!
mmmmm i like this good and plenty stuff.

back to it.
okay. what do i do with all of this?
it's a ton! an absolute ton.
how do i sort thru it?

'make a stew out of it' comes to mind.

okay....what the heck.

a huge big black witches pot comes
to mind. we'll make a stew.
i picture my fabric of cells. hold that over
the stew pot and pop in all those negative comments
i got along the way. pop them in almost like giant
tic tacs.

need some juicy sloppy stuff.....
oh that's easy.......society's messages about sexuality.
that's nice and juicy sloppy.

this is the best.......i picture my mom and dad as
salt and pepper shakers!! hold them over the pot and
shake out all the dysfunctional messages i got about
bein' female.

what about the religion part??
ohhhhh that's gotta be thick and heavy..........
pour dark molassesy stuff in.

startin' to get into this......
realize that i can spend a few days workin' on the stew
and get specific and really throw in stuff that has
affected me. grab the jars of stuff and heap them in.

but what do i do with this???
what will i do when i'm done mixin' it???

pictured it ending up like a thick tar.
make a road! make a road that can take you somewhere.
noooooo it's gotta be a bridge!
i want it to be a bridge.

and i know just who the pillars of this bridge will
be i say with an evil smile.

ohhhhh this is gonna be way fun.

get it all out, go thru it, walk thru it, pull it down
and mix it up and then walk over it to another place...
a place of self love.

i'm actually likin' this.
not dreadin' it.
i want to give it the time it deserves.
gonna work on the stew for a bit here.
and then work on the spreadin' it out and then.......
eventually i'm walkin' right on top of it
and leavin it behind.

it's a plan.
and it's a weird one.
could just work.