growin' grass in my room

we had finished work for the day....
a good day's work. we had finally got the
room. finished the paperwork, moved things
into the room, made it cozy. talked to
every professional there was to talk to
and now all we had left was to go back
to the hospital and fill him in.

i was sick to my stomach. didn't feel good.
needed air bad. couldn't get the institution
smells outta my nose.

it had been such a long couple of days....
it was catchin' up to me.

we headed for the car. he stopped to get some
papers. i kept goin'. i saw a grass hill.
i kept walking. if i didn't touch that grass,
i was gonna pass out.

i laid on my back on the grass.
ohhhhh it was cold. it felt good.
i took my palms and laid them flat in the grass
and just held on to the earth.
and the tears came.

he wandered over slowly. think he wasn't too sure
what to do. 'you okay?'
yeah.

he had to drop some papers off in the office.

go ahead. i'll wait.

he left.

i rolled over and put my face in the grass.
breathing it in like i needed some sorta weird
fix....i just kept deep breathing.

i wanted the smell of grass to stay in my nose.
not the smell of institutions.
i kept breathing.
and crying.
i really started crying now.
he was gone.
i could let it out a bit.
and i did.
i cried with my face in the grass.

my palms runnin' thru the blades grabbing
them and not wanting to let go....

how can anyone live without touching the outside???
would i ever be able to do that???
how can you live without touching the grass,
without feeling the wind without smelling the
fresh air???

i can't do that.
i don't want to do that.

i'm gonna be the one they need to wheel outside.
the one sittin' in the garden area....
i want to be the old woman growing trays of grass
in her room.

oh yeah, that's just terri.
don't mind her.......
she sniffs the trays and remembers the days
she used to be free.....

god, i don't know how they do it.....