power comes in many forms...

i feel like i took my power back this morning....

this darn back pain has been slowin' me down
a lot. was worse this morning that i had hoped
it would be.

well, not anymore!

if someone doubts emotions and pain, they shoulda
been a fly on my shoulder this past week!!
(well, okay, maybe a dragonfly!)

i got into the most frustrating conversation this
morning. my mom used to say she would get so mad
she could just spit. i love that! what a great saying.
well, i was so frustrated i coulda just spit.
i woulda hit something if my back didn't hurt so
much. so i spit instead.

when i hung up from the conversation, i hobbled away.
i haven't hobbled in days. there it was again. the
same crippled hobble.

i noticed it right away.
great.
this stuff is cripplin' me, i thought.

stop right there.

what???

are you gonna let it do that????

I WILL NOT LET THIS CRIPPLE ME.

i went into the psychic phone booth (shower)
and let the heat wash it all away....

this isn't mine. you've let go of a lot of
it.....but apparantly not enough.....

let it go.
i opened my hands, closed my eyes,
and let it go.....

i moved much easier.

got dressed, wandered out in my yard. already
my back was really way better. i stooped and picked
up pretty leaves to bring inside. because i COULD
stoop. i'm not gonna be crippled.

and i thought of the two men that were making me
insane.

it's theirs.
they've been at it forever.
stop trying.
let them keep at it til one of them drops.

always been my fear....that he would drop.....

well....then....he drops.
apparently he's in til one of them drops.

let them at it til one stays standing.....
it's not yours.

i haven't been tryin' to fix it. just been
tryin' to be supportive. i had moved out of
fix it mode. thought supportive was a good thing.

maybe not.
maybe that's enabling.
who can tell?
i'm apparently a really good enabler.

i'm enabling something unhealthy, my back is
certainly telling me that.

and so once again i find myself at a sad spot.
i will no longer watch the struggle with the same
eyes. i will not try to protect or take care of
them anymore. i will stand by and allow what's
happening to happen.

not the first time i've been in this spot.
not the last time i'll be there.
life is full of these places.

i'm gonna snag the gratitude from a different angle.
there's not much i can feel grateful for about that
situation....but i can feel grateful that it got
me to a point that it crippled me and showed me that
the power is mine to react healthy or unhealthy.

and i can be grateful that i refuse to hobble over
this any longer.

there's a feisty part inside of me. she comes out
at some intense times. and she grabs the power back
and reminds me of where it is i'm goin'.

i love that part of me. gonna hug her tight today.
and gonna let go of what needs letting go of......