driving

some random thoughts did the collision thing in
my head this morning.....

first one....
there was conversation last nite around the table
about our minds. how a lotta times we let our minds
do the driving, but we can actually drive them...
steer them where we want to go. if we have a particular
worry or something that keeps pullin' us, that's like
the car pullin' to the left. we have to adjust the
steering.

that kinda thing. this conversation was actually goin'
on around me. i was listening and taking it in. i really
liked the visual. and i'm just beginning to really do
some better driving lately. i was soakin' this in.

so i went walkin' with that visual and wonderin' where
it was i wanted to drive to.

a bit into the walk, some scrambled thoughts came in.
they led to some memories and some things i noticed
this weekend in someone....

it's the 'you come to me, i'm not goin' to you' mentality.
the idea that the other person needs to do the reachin'
out, then you'll respond.

now's where i want to make that raspberry noise with
my mouth! how do you spell that?! pblbhhhhbbhhhhhhhh!!!

i've had too much of that garbage in my life to even
be patient with it. cause that's what it is. it's a
garbage game. it's not love.

then i thought of someone that is creating a lot of
sadness around him this holiday season. he's specifically
bowed out of any gift giving exchange and pretty much
bowed out of our lives...

i got him some gifts anyway.
to me they're symbols.
i want him to know that i love him and that i believe
in him....and one day, when he's ready, i'll be here.

i thought of that, and wondered if those gifts will
mean anything to him. if he'll get what i mean. well,
maybe he will when i tell him too. grin. but maybe
not.

doesn't matter.
i want to do it cause to me, it's love.

and all this brought me back to the driving thing.

driving with love, driving in love, driving towards love.

i don't want to spend my life playin' garbage games.
i don't want to play games.
i want to drive with sincerity and authenticity.

and most of all......with love........

now.
to watch and see.
and to adjust the steering when i turn towards the fear....

that's the trick.

grabbin' my keys!