i told him that i was afraid i was
getting too boring for him. his eyes
got wide with surprise and he let out
the most sincere 'ter, i NEVER know
what you're gonna do!'
he said i was all kindsa nice things.
he listed them....and at the end of the
list he said 'but that doesn't make it
easy.'
and he looked so confused i had to laugh.
and then he stopped the world for me.
he reminded me of when we first met.
we were just buddies. not 'interested'
in each other. we could talk about stuff
without thinking it applied to the other.
i had told him that when i found love, i
wanted the real thing. i didn't want to
settle and wouldn't. if i didn't get the
real thing, than i'd take nothing. i'd rather
have nothing than fake or just part way.
he remembered that.
said he's never once forgotten it.
said he knew it was too big a part of me
not to be true.
and we talked of how we wanted to make sure
we never settled.
he talked about his part in the deal.
prolly the most attractive thing about him to me
is i know he can walk the path with me. he's got
the guts, courage and strength. i've never met
anyone like him.
at first i was just star struck again with him
with what he said.
but tonite as i reflect on it, i think of my own
part of the deal.
my own part of the not settling.
he's got more guts than i have. he always has.
he just doesn't believe it.
not settling means fully loving.
and sometimes closing is so much easier than
fully loving.
sometimes i settle with myself.
i settle for closing and part way.
he remembers my words better than i do.
i've been thinking about that a lot....
i don't want fake or part way love.
well....doesn't that apply to the love of
myself too???
i don't want fake or part way.
that's not just about what i receive.
it's about what i give out and what i give in.
stuff for me to think about.......
and once again, that neanderthal of mine leads
me......
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