gratitude with a twist

i remember when i got divorced i was really really
sad that i would never be the same person that i was.
i felt that i had lost something big inside of me.
i remember talking to a friend who was divorced about
it.

'did you feel like you lost part of yourself?'

she knew what i meant and said yes. we talked
about the death of some sort of innocence.

i was sad about that for a long time.

i think this morning is the first time i ever
consciously remembered that and realized i'm not sad
about that anymore.....and beyond that...i'm grateful.

i've watched myself the last two days....and i see
something amazing.

i am truly learning to take care of myself.
more and more.

i still have a long way to go.
still give myself away way too easily.
sill run myself ragged for others way too often.
but i'm learning.
and i can see progress.

and it is in the seeing of that, that i saw something
else.

i saw who i have been turning into.
and i honestly honestly in my bones knew i couldn't
have gotten here without where i've been.

i say that to people all the time.
you are who you are because of where you've been.
and sometimes i get that for myself. sometimes i really
do.

but this time.....
it went to a new level.

it went to gratitude.

and i thought about my spirit.
i still don't feel like it's back in place like i want
it to be.
and i do think gratitude's gonna be a big key in getting
it back in place.

but today.
this morning.
i had gratitude for myself.

huh.
go figure.
that's new to me.

i screw up and muddle and try too hard and don't
get where i want to go fast enough. i struggle.
think too much and kick myself way too often.

at the same time...i grow and i learn and i trust
and my actions are now speaking for me and saying
that i'm worthy.

wow.

and i'm actually learning how to take care of myself.
not just the flip pop psychology 'take a candle light
bath' deal.....but setting boundaries, not apologizing
for my needs....recognizing my needs and answering them.

that kinda thing.

i am so grateful that i've gotten this far.
my stomach actually did some flip flops when i thought
about it this morning. i'm doin' it! i'm taking care
of me!

and when i get my spirit back in place like i want it....
i'm gonna cement it in there with the biggest hunk of
gratitude i can muster.

i'm kinda excited about it all today.