how do you not?

i looked at him with tears in my eyes.
'i get so scared sometimes. i realize i have
to be a grown up, and i don't feel like one.'

he said something that acknowledged i wasn't
really one. which made me grin thru the tears.

but he understood.

he said i'd be just fine.

i already know that.
i do. altho, it was nice to hear.

it's not about bein' just fine.
but i'm not exactly sure what it's about....

it's about being alone????
i'm not sure. i feel pretty alone a lot of the time
now...so i'm not sure that's it. i like that.

maybe it's the responsibility??
i'm not so into responsibility.
i would rather just play.
but nahhhh....cause with the responsibility comes
all those choices you get to make for yourself.
and i certainly want control over that.
my control freak steps out and grabs that....

so what is it???

ahhhhhh.......

ya know what it is???

it's the change and loss, change and loss, change
and loss....

yes....i know......there's a whole ton of good mixed
in there....

i know that.

but the letting go of people.
i really really don't like that.
and every time i do that, i have to do that totally on
my own. no one can do it for you.

and eventually......eventually.......it's life that you
have to let go of.

so i know what it is.
it's what it's always been for me.....

how do you dive in, live passionately, love with all you
have, and let go of it all? over and over and over until
you eventually let go of everything and die???

how do you do that?????

the only answer i've ever gotten to that is this one:
"how do you NOT?"

how do you not do that???
you HAVE to do that..otherwise you haven't really lived,
ya know????

and so she gathers her courage and heads off to the day.....