i choose both.

i've been wanting to stretch my studio into josh's
old studio area for weeks. not enough time. couldn't
get to it.

i shoulda known......when the time is right.

it happened in full swing yesterday. and it was perfect
timing as i got thrown off center really big time.
cleaning is the best thing for me in a state like that.
and so cleaning and moving and sorting began!

in the middle of it all, i wrote a friend. told her
what was up.what had thrown me off center.
told her how i was feeling about it.

there's nothing like girlfriends, is there?!

she knows all the ins and outs of the story so she could
pick it right up. she knows my heart and my personality
so she could figure out my reactions.

her response was strong.
LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION, TER.

she clipped a couple things i had typed her about how
i felt. told me to pay attention to that.

and then she said....'talk to the ters.'

now.
THAT is a friend.

she knows that's how i work. talking to the different
parts of me. AND she knows i will forget to do that
at times when i need to do it most.

it's not odd to her. not goofy. she understands it's
a necessity for me. and nudges me towards it.

here's the bottom line big deal for me.
the person i trust most in the world besides myself
sees something one way. i see it another. he tells
me i'm reacting thru fear. i don't think i am.
but i'm always afraid of doing that. (yeah, there's
some kinda joke in there.)

now.
there.
lesson time.

who do i trust???
how much do i self doubt???

my girlfriend pointed out to me that i'll check, recheck
and recheck myself again as i try to see myself really
clearly. and that i need to trust that i do that and
listen to my intuition.

all very sound advice, yes?
and i totally agree.

here's the kicker....it's a moment where buttons are
pressed, self doubts arise and i have a choice....
which one of us do i trust?

i've trusted others way too much in my past.
not trusted myself enough.
i'm painfully aware of that, and scared to continue
an old pattern.

but then does that fear push me in the wrong direction
of not trusting someone who definitely can be trusted??

i figured out the answer.

trust both of us.

because something we do really well is hear the other.
and look honestly at ourselves.

just cause we look, doesn't mean we see.
right away, anyway. but maybe it's the looking process...
i don't know. we seem to eventually see.

so i've chosen to trust both of us.
not me over him.
not him over me.

but what we've built together.

that in itself feels kinda amazing.

now......the actual hashing thru and looking at it all...
i know in the end it will be amazing....
it's just the process that's not so great.

and truthfully?
i wish i didn't have to do it.

but then i think of the brave stuff.
being brave.

as silly as it sounds, THIS is the stuff i find
that takes courage. this is the stuff of bravery for me.

so, i don't know....maybe i'll chicken out.

grin.