numbers

so i got the call.
the partial call.
more coming tonite.

she does indeed have cancer.
ovarian.
yeah.

i was in the middle of numbers.
i hung up the phone.
sat and stared out the window.
picked up my pencil and tried to do numbers.

it didn't seem right to do numbers right then.

went up to the kitchen to have lunch and tell the
guys.

and then on a whim, the christmas tree came down.

wasn't gonna do that today.
too busy.

i either eat or clean when things hit.
i did both.

i had deliberately stepped out of their lives.
i told her so. she wasn't who i was leaving,
but i needed to step away.

and now?

i want to go to her so badly and hold her.

it's not my place right now.

she has sisters and close girlfriends,
a husband, family.

i have chosen this place that i'm now in.
and it feels so strange.

i already told her i'd wait a few days before
i checked in, but i would be there.

and so i sit here thinking what it's like to
be told you have a 60% chance of making it.
get a hysterectomy, get thrown into menopause
and chemo all at once. and try to smile at your
newly adopted son.

i'm gonna do numbers now.
not cause i have to and they're hangin' over my
head, but because i want to get lost in them.
i want to swim in them. i want to be in a place
where you can just add things up and it all makes
sense. it's all logical and unfeeling.

who knew?
that appeals to me so big time right now.