graceful cloddiness.

the signs became too big to ignore....

i was looking up a book title on amazon when
i got distracted. the same author had written
a book on 'mid-life'.

hmmmmm.....i stopped, checked it out.
nahhhhhh.....i doubt it has anything new in there
i know what she's gonna say....

went back to what i was doing.

tug.
tug.

well....let me go check that out again....
just look at it.
see what it's about.
just browse.

yeah, i ordered it.
plus another one.

grin.
whew.

it was the first time i acknowledged to myself
that this mid life stuff was weighing on me.

then when a shop owner asked me to brainstorm
an event with her yesterday, and also mentioned
the same day of the event was her mom's birthday
(they run the place together), i immediately
launched into the idea of women aging and working
with that theme. i emailed her and said 'i could
use some help with this theme! maybe women can
share their thoughts!'

it was the first time i said out loud to anyone
'this middle age stuff feels like it just landed
on my shoulders.'

(and yes, it has been repeatedly pointed out to me
that i'm more than likely beyond middle aged!)

and then last nite when i started cryin' on his
shoulder tellin' him that i'm really not into all
this change stuff. can't figure out how i'm sposed
to be happy when my kids are leaving, they've been
my life, and now i have to change my life, prolly
move in with him at some point when the only other
experience i've had with falling in love and getting
married ended ih heartbreak?! how am i sposed to
be all over joyed with this scenerio?!

oh man.
the guy's a saint.
he actually provides a space where i can tell him
that my future with him scares the daylights outta
me.

friends are getting real real sick.
other friends are having incredible hormonal mood
swings.
empty nest stuff is a norm now.
i feel like two years ago sad stories flooded into
my life, and instead of easing up, they keep steadily
on.

told my guy that it was like when we were in our early
twenties....every time you turned around, there was a
wedding. then a few years later, it was baby showers
every other weekend.

now....every time i turn around i hear of a major sickness
or a death.

my THIRTY year high school reunion is this summer, and old
classmates are coming out of the wood work. oh my.
they're all middle aged adults. how did this happen???

we gathered around the kitchen table last nite.
josh landed in from his day. first thing out of his
mouth.....he told us about one of his adult students
being really upset because the guy he works with
dropped dead.
he's 43.

my head just fell onto the table.

my guy looked over at josh and said 'great timing.'

i think it was in the middle of the rant to my guy
last nite. i heard me whine. i heard me cry. i heard
me sound absolutely crazed.

the finale would be the head thump on the table.

i'm not handlin' this middle aged concept all that
gracefully.

this freakin' out has been slowly creeping up on me.

and it's here.
yep.
it landed.
right on my shoulders.

there's a huge part of freak out in me.
but there's another part.
a lot smaller...but it's there.
and i know it can grow....

the 'ohhhh! it's science experiment time!' part.

how does one step into the next stage of life
with consciousness, with purpose, with intent...
without totally freaking out and digging in her
heels and screaming 'i'm not going!!'?!

i certainly don't know!
and after i'm done havin' a few fits, maybe
i'll try to find out.......

grace.
jeesh.
maybe it's just highly over rated.

grin.

i think not.

maybe i'm just not ready for grace....

being a clod is more my speed.

maybe i can combine them and be a graceful
clod right now.

and that is the point of this post.
to take my first step into graceful cloddiness.