kinda cool stuff

oh this is so good.
a sweet friend just checked in on me after
reading the blog string here.
making sure i wasn't being too hard on myself.

thank you, mary!
i love that she cares enough to check in like that.
and that she can be honest enough to ask!

and i thought i'd throw it out here as this
whole string (see posts below) is about the
process of living how i want to today.

so i thought i'd throw that out here...

i haven't been hard on myself this time.
now, i freely admit...i'm the first to kick
myself and be really really hard on myself.

but today i didn't do that....
i was just honest.

saying what i wanted and didn't want and
what i claimed as choices and how i saw
things.

honesty is the hardest thing to have, i think.
because it's so hard to really see clearly
what's goin on with yourself.

so maybe my honesty sounded like i was being
hard....
but no. not this time, anyway!

there is so much going on in my life that is
difficult.
there just is.
and yes, it's gonna swing me all over the place
as there's much that's really really good at
the same time.

here's the thing tho.....
the hard is always going to be there.
there's always going to be the rough patches.
i want to live how i want to live with those
things goin' on at the same time.

yeah, right.
i know.
i know.

but if the goal is to be love....
and it is.....
then i gotta be love thru the hard stuff too.

ah!
now that might sound demanding on myself?
maybe that's what she's picking up???

it's not said with that tone or expectation
at all...

it's said with a goal in mind and a strategy.
that's all. a deep desire.
and maybe this.......
maybe this.....
i hadn't thought of it before.....
but a belief that i can make progress with this.
yeah.
yeah.
i think so.

i want it.
so i want to figure this out.

it's a good thing.
the stuff i was/am angry about and frustrated with
is still there...

but my heart moved. i still have anger. if i dwell
on it, i can feel the anger.

the choice is not to dwell on it.
that's my choice right now.

it's where i dwell, i guess.
and who knows....in a few hours anger or sadness
may overtake me. i wouldn't be surprised if it did.

and if it does, then maybe i can use it and watch.

because it's in the watching that i'm learning.

and it's in the learning that i'm growing.

and it's in the growing that i'm becoming.

grin.

kinda cool stuff, huh?