a whole new balance

ohmygosh the thoughts keep swirlin'....

and voices and voices that have said different
things to me...

things like.....

'why would you reach out? it's going to be nothing
but heartache.'

'you need to work on your boundaries.'

'don't give yourself away in the process.'

or how about this one?
'i never knew how much support from someone
mattered until i needed it so bad and you were
there.' and then the same person chooses not
to be there for someone else.....because it's too
hard.

that one is stuck inside me right now.

i have made tremendous progress in working
on my boundaries and not giving myself away.
of recognizing that people don't really want
to change a lot of times and that's not my deal.

tremendous progress.
with a much longer way to go.
a long long ways to go.
i know that.

and yet how did i learn?
i learned by living it.
by living the mistakes.
by trying to be there for people who were
surrounded in darkness.

i don't know how to NOT reach out and still feel
that i'm living what matters.

i don't know how to watch people in darkness
and not put my hand out.

and here's the part that i'm sitting with...

i'm not sure i want to learn that.

i thought i did.
i thought it was about taking care of myself.
i thought it was about boundaries.

but it feels more like stunting myself.
more like becoming a zombie.

it seems there has to be a median.

a reaching out with boundaries.
a caring without giving away.

i believe there is one.
and i believe i can live that median.

holding my hands to my side because it's too
hard feels like i'm shorting myself.
like i'm not trusting myself to do the
balance.

i'm way emotional, yes.
but i'm not stupid. and i do learn.
and i do watch.

those voices are just voices of people who care
and who have seen me torn up. they don't want to
see that anymore. they only care.

thing is........
it feels like protection.

and well.....i'm thinking i'm more concerned
with living fully than living protected.

and torn up....i don't like torn up either.
but somehow in that tearing and repasting together
and healing the seams....
somehow that's gonna get me where i want to go.

i have been so concerned with not giving myself away
that i believe i've headed in the wrong direction...

time to stop and turn a bit...
and try a whole new place....
a whole new path....
a whole new balance.