one heck of a walk....

i figured it all out in the snow this
morning.

yep.
got it figured.

now.
what to do with it???

hang on and see if i can make it make sense...

i was thinking, yet again, that i suck
at loss. i am just not good with it.

never have been.

then i seemed to get worse after a whole
lotta loss hit at once.

since then, i not only suck at it, i get
a little freaked out about it.

definitely a lot of fear of pain involved.

okay.
my mind turns another way...

i thought about how much life i have left
as i walked. who knows, ya know? and the
best case scenario of growin' old still
seems awfully short to me.

thought of how important it is then to live.
to really live. to really be present.

was filled with that.
inspired by it.
bound and determined to do it.

attention deficit brain twists again....

okay, i suck at loss.
but i'm good at love.

insert raspberry noise here.
because that's what i did as soon as i
had that thought!

yeah, right.

you suck at love.

then an argument began.

i do NOT.

yeah? how about all those times you
closed up cause you didn't want to lose
someone?

oh yeah.
well...um....

yeah? and how about all the times you thought
'well, i'll just love a little bit so if it
ends up hurting, it won't hurt so bad.'

oh shut up.

okay.
okay.
i'm not so great at love either.

and then it hit.

love and loss are part of the same coin.
to excel at one, you must excel at the other.

if i was a cussin' kinda gal, now woulda been
the time for a cuss word.

the brain takes a slight twist here.

life is loss.

and then the thoughts that are not new, but
each time they come, they come deeper, began
to drift back in.

life is loss.
it's constant change.
people are here on their own journeys.
the come and they go.
some come in and stay a long time.
some leave in a huff.
some leave quietly and sadly.
some hang on way after it's time for them
to leave.

it's all about change.
change.
change.
change.

it's not about staying the same. it's not
about forever.

that entire perspective must be turned upside
down if you're ever going to really grasp living.

if the goal is to become love.
or to uncover the love inside of me,
then part of the goal MUST be to accept loss.

so i thought of accepting loss.

compassion twists me up. i get all caught up
in feelings and compassion and letting go gets
even harder.

if it's accepting loss do i turn into some kinda
non-compassionate person walking around going
'oh well, she died.'

no.

each loss must change me in some way. it must.
because if loss and love are part of the same coin,
then that coin changes you every time it's part
of your life.

and those changes are the deep, quiet ones you
can't really tell people about. but they're the
ones that put lines in your face, and a certain
look in your eyes.

those are the things that will turn you into that
wise old crone....if you let it.

it doesn't have to take away from you.
it can most certainly add to who you are.

a loss doesn't have to leave a hole.
it can add a light, a spark, a knowing.
and it can leave holes. but the holes aren't
pointless pain things. they matter. they're okay.

if i'm ever going to get this living love stuff down,
i have got to change some very major perspectives here.

i have got to not only accept loss, i have to
embrace loss as much as i embrace love.

they are one and the same.

and that fear of pain that freaks me out with loss now?
that entire perspective must also change.

pain isn't a killer.
fear is.

fear is.

and then my mind rolled back to the moments i have.
how short it all is even if i do live to old age...

grabbing the moments, living in the present....
dropping the fear.....

embracing loss.
embracing change.
and knowing that THAT is living.

woe.

now.
big sigh.

i guess i'm gonna get some practice here.

and maybe THAT'S how i can honor those i love...
by getting this lesson.....