so, like hey, why'd he leave you anyway?

it happened again.
someone very gently asked me why my husband
left me.

ya know, there hasn't been ONE person
who thought differently. every one who's
asked thought it was his leaving.

that really makes me wonder.

i can't figure out why that's the case.

and it's always said in a really gentle way.
i had one guy tell me that my husband was
crazy to leave me.

well..um...thanks......
but um......oh shoot now what do i say??

it was my finishing up. not his.

that's always been so hard for me to say too.

i've heard myself say lots of times
'yeah, well, it was my fault. i did this.'

and hang my head in shame.

that's healthy, huh?!

jeesh.

at least i haven't done that in years.

altho i still feel the head cock to the side
in some kinda apologetic pose....

then i try to sputter in ten words or less
how i discovered i was living a life without
love.

then their eyebrows go up, and i scramble harder
and throw in childhood and before you know it,
everyone from my past sounds like monsters.

and i've only made it worse.

there were no monsters.
just people missing what matters....
including myself.

i can't figure out why the thought process goes
like it goes. is the guy always the creep that
runs off with the younger woman? or is it because
i don't seem to have a guy in my life, so i must
not have left or there'd be a guy??

or is it that no one would create all the pain
and stress of divorce and livin' on your own on
purpose??

or is it as simple as they look at me and figure
he ran, couldn't stand the emotions!

grin.

that last one could very well be it.

change is hard.
divorce is hell.

rebuilding your life is hard.
living a life you love is heaven.

truth is......i didn't cause the divorce on my own.
it's a joint venture. always is.

and the truth is....i haven't rebuilt my life on
my own....it's a community venture...always is.

it's what we do with it inside us...
that's the thing that's our very own, isn't it?