repressed parts

so i'm reading that at midlife you kinda hit
a point where you need to come to terms with
all those hidden parts of yourself.
you have to touch the repressed stuff and
sift thru it.
the author was quick to explain that you
can't just dive in and let it all out....
it has to be controlled and balanced, but it
does need to be touched and explored.

so i've been kinda toyin' with the whole
idea of repressed stuff.

what have i repressed?

what have you repressed?

what have we all repressed??

different friends of mine question me
about my anger enough for me to notice it.

they say i don't seem to have much.

i thought i had plenty.

but i do know a lot of that's been locked
in.

so i've been wanting to look at that...

almost every woman i know has had some kinda
sexual abuse incident in their lives. it's
amazing.
i am no exception.
what part does that play in it all?

one day while working in my studio, without
being anywhere close to thinking about when
i was a child and was molested....it wasn't
on my mind....i hadn't been thinking of it in
the days prior....
a thought landed in my head.
out of nowhere.

'that's when you figured out you didn't matter.'

bam.
just like that.
i even stopped what i was doin' and looked up.
huh??

but i heard it.
and i knew what it meant.

that moment so many years ago affected me profoundly.
i'm sure there's sexual repressions involved with
that....but not just sexual....

if it's when you feel you are told you don't matter...
how many different things get shoved down because of
that???

if you believe you don't matter, what do you hide
away???

what if you believe you're different and don't fit in?
then what do you hide away? what parts of you do you
cover so others won't see how different you really are??

oh man.

as i thought about this it almost got to be too much.
wow!
i musta repressed most of me!!!!

here's the part that tickles me......
i want to go retrieve those parts.

yeah.
i want to become more of who i am.

as i typed that a little tiny shot of fear ran thru me.
yeah.

the fear of rejection.
you hide it away so as not to be rejected.

you pull it out and what???

yeah.

what????

i don't know.......
but i don't think i have a choice at this point.
i think i've gone too far to turn back now......