round three million and seventy six

so where is she? he asked me.

i laughed. okay. a little nervously,
but i laughed....

you mean little terri?

yep. where'd she go?

hiding.

yeah. hiding.........

and so i changed the subject.
if my inner child is hiding, i'm not
exactly sure i want to discuss it.

and if someone notices it, i definitely
don't want to talk to them about it.
they're seein' way too much as it is.

and he knows darn well that means
we need to talk.

he's learning tho.
gave me a little space, then got me
feeling safe and asked again.

silence.

sniffles.

one word attempts....

and then finally....we really talked.

sometimes i wonder what's wrong with me.
i really wonder....am i damaged?
will i ever get this trust stuff down?

and then i ease up on myself and tell myself
i do....and then i argue back and forth....

like everything else....it's a process.
and trusting....totally trusting is one heck of
a thing to try to do.

specially if you've had your trust blown outta
the water before. and let's face it, we all have
in some way or another.

i still can't look back at some of the broken
trust issues without literally cringing. so i know
there's healing yet to do...

but i can't wait a life time to heal and not trust
again.
'specially him.
if anyone's earned trust, this man has.

and i think of doubt....and what a powerfully
negative thing it is....

and how much i wrestle with it.

maybe i have to stop looking at all the wrestling
matches as failures....maybe i have to start looking
at them as milestones....
because with each match i win, i get closer to
that open heart.

i won another round today.
and little terri came back out to play....