touching my insides....

i so hope i can communicate this....

walkin'....all gray outside.
the gray kinda gray that's just one shade
of gray....it makes everything kinda feel
like you're walkin' thru the inside of
yourself.

i wondered what would it be like to say
this to myself and mean it:

i love you.
and i promise you that every single day
we're together i will love you with all
that i have. i have been looking for you
my whole life, and i found you. and i
know what a treasure you are. i cherish
you every single day.

i figured i couldn't do it. say it and mean
it. but i tried it out....why not just
say it and try it?

and so i did.

and then i just felt this release.
like my whole body got more relaxed.
i could feel tons of tension leave....

and then this visual kinda happened....

you know how you might take a kid...or
someone you can lift up....and
pick them up and set them on the counter
sitting there facing you so you can have
a face to face talk?

well......i kinda did that with my self.
only my self was this...oh man...
how to describe???

almost like a butterfly before they get
all unsticky and spread their wings.
i was like a sticky, unspread me....
it wasn't icky at all.
but there was so much darkness over this
light and glitter....
it wasn't bad....
it just was.
there was no feeling besides wonder from
me when i looked at myself.

i sat her in front of me and told her
that i loved her......

and then this feeling came over me....
and i knew i had to listen.

that listening was my job.
not talking.

and so i stopped talking.

and i saw things....

i saw all parts of me, things that were
inside me but kinda represented like
archetypes or something.
i saw the little girl, i saw the wise old
crone, i saw the mother, i saw the woman,
i saw all these part of me.

they were me and at the same time they were
every woman that ever lived....
it was all of us mixed up in me....

and i was listening, but there weren't
any words....just feelings.

and i knew....i just knew....
that all these beautiful parts were in me.
they've been there all along.

and there's nothing i have to do to set
them free except allow them to be free.

allow them to be free and listen.

wow.
if this happens from saying that to myself
one time and not really even being totally
on board with it....what happens if i start
saying it all the time and really believe it??

i'm writing it down and taking it with me
every walk.
i'll forget if i don't.
i'll put it aside if i don't.

and i have a feeling this is something i really
want to touch again.......