Wednesday, April 22, 2009

a conversation....

first walk all week....
and i felt like a little kid on it!
i've missed them so!!

millions of thoughts runnin' thru my head.
think maybe i'm processin' a ton from yesterday.

one kept looping thru....
she got to talkin' about something that happened
in my life. i didn't bring it up. she did.
as it still bothers her.
she said it still makes her mad and it "should"
be a different story.

i was driving.
i looked over at her.
smiled gently at her.

'you can take all the shoulds in the world and
not change a thing. it is what it is.'

she said she wanted to 'fix it.'

there's nothing to fix, i told her.
it's all okay.
the most amazing thing was....i meant it.

told her i rebuilt my life.
and it was a good one.
she nodded and said it really did seem good.
yeah, i said.
i'm happy.
there's nothing to fix.

told her she was gonna drive herself crazy if she
didn't let go of the fixing thing.

she was concerned as my helping her was
bringing me back into all that i had chosen to

no, i told her.
i gave it a lot of thought.
and it was all about her.
i wanted to be with her. and be there for her.
it wasn't about anyone else.

she said that it was all too close, that i'd
get tangled.

i told her it was up to me to keep it separate.
and that she was worth it to me. and i would
do that.

and then she told me she felt guilty about that.
that she hadn't been able to be there for me
how she wanted to. she just didn't know how to.
and she didn't feel 'worthy'....

that made a huge impression on me.
i never want to hear anyone say they don't
feel worthy. ever. and never related to something
with me.

and that's when i told her....
you were between a rock and a hard place.
you got caught in the cross fire.
there was nothing you can do.
no guilt.

it's over.
and i choose to be with you right now.
it's not about anything else.
it's about you and i.
and no one else.

part of that sunk in, i think.
and part of it didn't.
that will be up to her to really see.
i can only offer my love.
it will be up to her to see she deserves
love everywhere in her life.

as i drove home later that evening,
i heard a line in a song that hit home....

'my love still lives and breathes'.....

it does.
it didn't get smashed outta me...
it's up to us whether we're gonna keep that
love inside us......

and as the wind blew my hair as i drove down
the highway, i smiled.

i was headin' home.
and my love still lives and breathes........


Merry ME said...

You did it girl! I'm proud of you and sending a big hug!

P.S. The socks are very cool! They aren't your "granfather's socks"! Not quite like buying a pack of 6 at Walmart.

Thanks for giving that chemo lady something so fancy and gay (not gay gay, but happy gay!)That's the kind of thing that really matters.
You are too cool.

selkie said...

I love reading your musings - this resonated as one of the things I'm struggling with is the reality that there is "nothing to fix" - what's done is done and we have to move on.