Monday, April 20, 2009

memories and seeing

so i'm driving home.
and something he said makes me think of
something else which directly pops a memory into
my head.

my gosh.
i think i must be getting stronger as memories seem
to be coming back to me a lot these days. real strong
and clear.

my family was all gathered at the hospital.
i had missed all the doctor reports and such and
was getting muddled reports from my family.

my mom and brother went off to take a break and get
something to eat. i sat in the room alone with my
dad. a nurse came in. i asked her what exactly was
happening. she was kind enough to tell me. to really
explain it. i remember she had to be careful how she
did it. i had to ask certain questions in certain ways
to get certain answers. but she worked with me. and
i so appreciated her compassion.

my dad was gonna die.

and my family didn't realize it.

i was all alone in this room with my dad and she
explained it to me. i remember trying to 'handle
it' in front of her. i thanked her. and she let
me be.

i sat in this chair....looking at my dad......
and just trying to take it all in. tears of

later, i went out to my family.
i put my arm around my mom. she's a tiny woman.
there's nothing to her.
i remember thinking that when i held her.

her and i had not been close for awhile.
i hadn't held her in years.
i noticed how tiny she was.

and i explained to my family that dad was gonna

they didn't know.

i remembered this clearly.

and it dawned on me.

i handled it.
i got thru that all on my own.

i wasn't close to my family.
there wasn't anyone there i felt was
a shoulder for me. so i was my own shoulder.
and i was theirs. i held them as they sobbed.

and i don't know...just maybe today thinking
about handling things and doin' things on my own....
maybe that's why the memory came thru.

i don't know.

but in a really sad way, it's a good memory.
because i see that i can do what i gotta do.

of course you can, ter.
everyone can.
everyone does what they have to.

do we really know that tho?
i think sometimes i don't.

sometimes i get scared i can't handle something
and that's the fear that does me in.

and it's an unfounded fear.
and i would bet that's true for most people.

we do what we have to.
and if you look back at those moments in your
life, maybe you'll see it too.

maybe you already do.
but i'm just now starting to see it.
more and more.

and i'm likin' it.

1 comment:

Merry ME said...

I can remember sitting next to my mom's bed as she was dying. I had dreaded that more than anything. But when the time came, everyone else had gone home, I sat with her and held her hand. I talked. I cried. I prayed. I snoozed a little. But I didn't come undone. Somewhere in the mix, I can remember thinking I was proud of myself. I'd forgotten that til now.
Thanks for the reminder.