Tuesday, April 28, 2009

one huge gigantic circle

it's the profound time of my cycle...
i love love love that time!

i'm way slower working, but there's something
so cool in the slow....

i'm packin' up an order and thinking about love.

long story.

nut shell tho....there's some people in my life
who don't treat me very well.
because of that, they're a small part of my life.
but because of the relationship, they're still in it.
i chose that. but at a distance.

the first thing that fascinated me this afternoon
was i saw it really clearly without emotion.

i just saw it and thought 'wow, that really sucks.
i wouldn't have done that to them.'

and there was no anger or hurt. it was just an

that tells me several big things.
first of all, their mattering scale in my world
has dropped tremendously. and that's a good thing.
really good thing.

and.....more importantly........MY mattering scale
in my world has risen tremendously. and that's an
awesome good thing
my perspectives have changed for the healthier.

i think there's a time i wouldn't have noticed.
i wouldn't have even had the thought cross my mind
that i deserved better.

amazing to me.
how can we not even know that we deserve good??

thing is....i'm just not even sure i knew i wasn't
getting good.

i don't know how to explain it, but i'm thinking
there's a few out there that will understand anyway.

hang on to that thought as i want to circle back to it.

and then...the love point....

i sat back and thought about what i was trying to do
with them. why i was trying to leave them some space
in my life.

because i'm thinking that it's teaching me one more
aspect of love.

not that sick sacrificing stuff that can get outta hand
and where you can totally lose yourself.
not that......
but an aware sort of presence where you watch the boundaries,
you keep yourself healthy, and you try to be kind for the
sake of kindness. you try to give love for the sake of love.
not for the sake of what you get back.

and that's where it circles around to the realizing you
deserve good.

i don't think i could have ever gotten to this point without
realizing i deserved good, leaving what wasn't good, finding
what was, and doubling back to forgive and to learn how to
love in a place that's difficult.

and what exactly is realizing you deserve good and taking it?
self love,i do believe.

and there, once you really begin to have self love,
you can give love without the need to get back.

not always, mind you.
i'm not some sage wise woman.

i need love back a lot.
and i get it a lot.
a lot.

but sometimes......i can just give it.

and i think that's because i've found it inside me.

and i don't think i could have found it inside me
without this crazy road i've traveled.

and i smile.

it's one huge gigantic circle.

with self love right smack in the middle.
and selfless love mixed doin' a dance with it.

how weird and wonderful is that??

i saw the circle just now and was taken with the
beauty of it.

feels, right now, anyway, like all of life must
be like this.

one huge weird circle with opposites mixed in
and doubling back happening as you go forward....

bowing down to the magnificence of it all.
and for the chance to be part of the dance.

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