here we go again....

ohhhh it's actually kinda interesting....
i had a thought. a word i was wrapping my
head around and gettin' excited about where
it was taking me...
and then there was all this construction
hub-bub. totally distracted me.

when it finally quieted down and i got
back to my thoughts....the word was gone.

just gone.

oh great.

i tried real hard to get it back.
but it was gone.

when stuff like that happens, i figure i
blocked it for some reason. like i'm not
quite ready for it or something inside
is fighting it....

but i refused to let it go...maybe i don't
have the word i was just so diggin'...
but i have the concept.

it was about loving.

i feel like i am recommitting to my goal
of trying to love...
i feel like i will prolly keep recommitting
continually thru out my life.

like i gain three steps, go back two,
recommit and do it again.

over and over.
and over again.

i feel real strongly right now that i
want to concentrate on the act of loving.
it's consuming my thoughts once again.

and yet....i still feel the need to protect
myself over and over.

so i got to thinking.....(here's where i need
that missing word).....
how do i show it/offer it/make it seen to other
people?
do i do so in a way they can see?

of course there's the first obvious yes. i do
pretty good a lotta the times.
but what about the hiding times?

does the hiding show more than the love?

do i hide more than i love?
when? and why?

are the reasons really the reasons i think?

when i least feel like offering it....
is that when i should most offer it?

i called on little terri at one point....
gonna need her help here.
it can't feel like i'm giving her away or
me away or any part away.
it has to be that i'm ultimately doing it
for me. and all parts of me must agree.

if i ultimately want to grow in love, then
i have to reach further, stretch more, give
all i can....for me.

if i do it because i should, or for the other
person, then i'll just resent it and feel like
i need payback.

all parts must be on board, and the goal has
to be long range....

here we go again.....