hmmmmm.....

woe.
i took a turn into a folder in my email box.

some notes i've saved from that guy of mine.
and no, they weren't all sweet and mushy.

one thing i really treasure between us is the
respect we have for each other and the
willingness to put things out there for each
other that aren't always easy.

woe.
well i read a note from him where he was so
frustrated with me i could feel it buzzin'
thru the wires still.

and he called me on something.

and at the time, i didn't understand it.
but interestingly enough, i saved it.
i love that i saved it.
it easily coulda been ditched.

we worked thru whatever it was we had to
work thru....

but as i read that note today i really saw
his point.

i really saw the thing he was tryin' to tell
me to deal with.

and he was/is dead on right.

now i sit here thinking about it and tryin'
to put into into context with the blogs
below....about accepting the parts of me.

if i look at this on a shallow level,
i can say that if i don't get rid of this
part, it will kill my chances at flying.

but on a deeper level, i have GOT to
understand this part. until i do, i'm stuck.

it's not about getting rid of it.

i have got to understand it, hold it, have
compassion towards it....and then add it to
the team i speak of in this morning's blogs.

instead,
what i do now is let it come out and take over.
there's no team work involved.
it takes over all of me and runs the show.

big sigh here.

i'm tryin' to figure out what it can do
positive for the team? what does it give me?

at first i drew a total blank.....and then
i saw it all too clear....

i do believe it requires me to believe in
my value and believe in others seeing that
value also. it demands me to trust.

it MAKES me stand there.

because apparently, i don't stand there without
a lot of struggle.

maybe it actually is helping me.
and incorporating it into the group instead of
letting it lead at times.....
well....that could change everything, couldn't it?

now.
how the heck do i do that?