no little thing

i'm a believer in working with your dreams.
i think dreams can be a tremendous resource
and help.

so.
um.
why have i been buckin' my dreams for
months and months now?!

don't know.
guess too overwhelming.

was gonna say i'm thick headed, but then
some may say i'm too hard on myself.
grin.
so yeah, too overwhelming, wasn't sure how,
confused, lost.
that kinda thing.

BUT! i see myself coming back to them!
AND! last nite i had another one of a set
of recurring dreams.

ah yes, the RECURRING dream!
i KNOW those need to be looked at.
and the timing of them.
when you have them.

so i woke up this morning, remembered it,
sat with it, looked at the timing and got
kinda excited about it.

first time too as these aren't pleasant
recurring dreams.

heard myself talkin' to my guy this morning
about it. and i heard myself comment
several times on my REACTIONS to things.

i do believe 'reactions' is the word of the
week for me.

i do believe it's really really sinking in
how much my reactions come from a habits
(thanks denise) and just past stuff that isn't
part of my life anymore.

i do believe the next step that's way important
for me is to change my reactions.

whew.

i'm tryin'.

i did it last nite. (before the dream!)
i did.
there's a typical reaction that i changed
and did way better with. but there's this
deep seed way down in there that was still
there. i had to fight it.

and i did.

as i type this tho....
i wonder.
i'm not sure i really have to 'fight' anything.
kinda believe that 'fighting' is usually headin'
in the wrong direction.

embracing, holding, releasing, loving....
those seem to work better for me.

ohmygosh.
i just stopped typing and held my head....

in the dreams, what i need, want, care about
doesn't count.
it's ignored, fought, and controlled.

oh ho ho.

am i doing that with my own self?!
instead of understanding my reactions to things,
and working with those needs, wants, and cares,
i ignore them, fight them and control them.

oh wow.

it's all about what *i* do to *me* i think.
not what anyone else has ever done to me.

that's what it's all about.

wow.
that's no little thing, is it?