Tuesday, May 12, 2009

one step at a time

walkin'. thinking about a note i got this morning.
someone misunderstood my playing and my teasing
and didn't quite know what to do with it.

when i read the note, my eyes got wide and i thought
'ohhhhhh noooooooooo he doesn't know i'm playing!"
so i typed it all out for him.

what i found so interesting about this was my
reaction to it. it was no problem, and didn't really
surprise me that he didn't get it and that was
really the end of it.

but if that exact same note came from a different
person, and i pictured it from two different people
in my life.....i would been hurt to the core.
really bummed and struggled for days to get a grip
on it.

isn't that interesting.

so i thought about that.


there were obvious reasons....
i'm not so attached to what he thinks.
i don't expect any more from him.
i know he's dead wrong and projecting
his own stuff on it.


so then i put it on these other people.
all three of those reasons SHOULD be
the same feelings i have with them.
they are what i would answer from my head,

obviously there's some strings there
that go beyond my head.

and yes, they are people who've played
important roles in my life and people i
wish things would have been different with.

so that's got to weigh in.

but i think it's more than that.

i think that somewhere deep down it's all
about self doubts.

even if they didn't show up with this one
guy this morning.....the fact that they'd
show up with other people means they're there.

it's not about them. it's about me.

so. okay.
now what?

i understand this. i can try to think thru
it all i want. but my reactions will be
my reactions when things happen.

won't they???

well, yes and no.

maybe the preventative maintenance isn't the
thinking thru it all......maybe it's going
right to the root.

and once again.......it's self love.

the stronger that is..........the stronger
i am. the less impact this stuff would have
on me no matter who said it.

and once again i scratch my head.
how DOES one get stronger in self love??

one affective way i've found so far is to look
back at who i've been....and see that person....
and see the beauty there.

i haven't been able to take that to the present
yet. but i've got so i can do the past.

one step at a time, ya know?
one step at a time......

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