preparations.....

ah, you silly silly girl.
i've been concentratin' on sprucin'
up my house a bit. cleaning, fixing...
that kinda thing.

family's coming! ohmy.
it's actually been a few years since
i've had family here.

i still cringe when i remember the
last visit.

escaping into the kitchen over dishes.
concentrating on the soap suds so that
i could ground myself a little bit and
not completely fall apart.

but i've been workin' on all that, ya know??

soooooo thinking i was totally cool in
the head with all the family issues, i've
been concentrating on the house.

opps.

yesterday i started havin' 'flashes' of
things come up for me. last nite the dreams
came.

ohboy.

i realized that some of the really big issues
that threw me into a major mid life crisis mode
will be there sitting with me.

hmmmm....perhaps i shoulda been workin' a bit
more to prepare.

oh well.

here we go.

here's the thing tho....
i keep tellin' myself this.
what comes up this time around is just stuff that
i'm not done with yet.
stuff that still needs to come up cause it's still
there.

that's an okay thing.

yeah, right, i answer myself.
and i throw out some of the stuff that's gonna come
up.

oh.
yeah. my first voice says.
those are some pretty heavy things.

yeah. my second voice says.
they're way heavy.
and i don't want 'em.

i don't.
i don't want those issues.
sometimes i wish i never had to see some of this
darkness....

but i have. and it's there.
and it's mine and it's not mine.

it's mine in the sense i have to look at it.
i have to see it. i have to know of it.
it's not mine in the sense that i don't have
to live it, i don't have to keep it.
i can let it all go.

hmmmm....how healthy have i really gotten?

the next couple of days will certainly be
interesting.......