a chance.

when i first started down this road of really
searchin....gosh...about eight years ago....
there was so much i was looking for.

i kept coming back to something over and over.

that i had to see me.
that i couldn't get anywhere without seeing.

i have SO many bone sighs written about seeing
yourself. it's a huge theme with me.

there were moments it felt impossibly out of
reach. moments i just gave up. moments i told
myself it really didn't matter. and then there
were a few moments i saw. i keep goin' looking
for more of those moments of really seeing.

i really believe 'seeing' is a key.
i think maybe 'seeing' is another word for
'honesty.'

and that darn word is forever slippin into things.

you gotta have honesty. or you got nothin.

okay....so seeing ranks way high.
i've always said it was 'the key.'
but i think there's more than one key.

and another that i was forced to learn is
'letting go.' or 'releasing.'
i suck at that.

okay. so two keys so far. and i suck at both.

but i've seen progress in both areas.
i'm way way better at letting go now.
i seem to have had the lesson slammed in my
face too often not to learn at least part of it.

tomorrow i walk in to two full days of family.
family that has its own issues and its own
problems. family that isn't on the same path
i am. they're on their own paths with their own
pain.

i will be living an intensive course of seeing
and releasing.

i will be clutching honesty in my fist the whole
time tryin' hard not to let it go.

i am praying for strength. real strength.
and it is in getting ready to meet these days i
realize what i think strength is....or at least
part of it.

-it's the ability to be compassionate and understanding
while not betraying who i am or leaving myself behind.

-it's the awareness of the dance that goes on, and
stepping into the dance with kindness and only stepping
in healthy directions. not letting myself be guided
into dysfunction.

-it's the acceptance of those around me for who they
are and the allowing them to be without changing them
or needing something from them.

-it's the ability to give love to them while not needing
anything in return, and all the while still giving love
to myself.

-and at every moment, having the ability to put it all
down and walk away from it knowing that this isn't my life.
that i have my own life and that that is all that i have.
and knowing that that is all that i need and more than
enough to make me happy.

-and finally holding that knowing so deeply that gratitude
springs up thru it all. and instead of fear and anxiousness and
discomfort, i feel gratitude for all that is around me.

hmmmmmm........
do i think i'm strong?
phooey.
in tiny doses i do.
i'll have moments of this.
and moments not.

but i'm gonna keep this in mind.
cause this is the goal.

it's not just a random two days ahead for me.
it's a chance to put together all i've been workin'
on. it's a chance for me to become more.

i'm gonna take it with an open heart and see where i go.