cookies...

i was barefoot, ankle deep in mud and water with
a bag of garbage in my hands when yo reached out
the door and handed me my cell phone.

i reached for it,put it to my ear...
how you doin'? he asked.

oh, i'm a miserable incompetent standing in the
mud, i answered. then i laughed. how you doin'?

he said he was also feelin' incompetent and
wondered what i was feelin' that way about.

i'm not tellin', i said. you'll laugh.

but i did tell him.
i can't even make cookies, i said.
then i went off on this whole big thing.....
everyone can make cookies.
i USED to be able to make good cookies.
now i can't even make a batch of anything....
and on and on i went.

he was boggled.
why in the world would anyone beat themselves
up like this over cookies, he asked???
go to the grocery store and buy some!!!!!

we laughed and talked about stuff.
why he felt incompetent, we joked about
the two issues together....and then....
i had to go as my cookies were burning...

as i cleaned the kitchen i wondered what was
up with me.....

it wasn't the cookies....
it was my image of me.
i used to be the home maker and really did
a lot of cooking and baking and taking care of
the house and family.

while i don't do that a whole lot any more,
i still thought it was part of me.

but you know what?
i don't think it is.
i'm just so not into it.

and....well......i felt like i lost something,
i think.

like it's one more thing i lost in the life
change i had.....and i didn't want to admit it.
i guess i just didn't want to add one more loss
to the list.

i finally came to my senses.
silly girl......so???
there was a time for that.
it's not what you want to spend your time with
now....
that's a good thing.....
movin' forward.....
doin' what feels good....

who knows....there may be a time it comes back.
grandchildren time, someone suggested.
and yeah, maybe.....

and i know it sounds crazy, but i actually
stopped and said goodbye to that part.

i really did.
it felt like something i needed to do.

and turned to embrace who i was now.
and even that felt like something i needed
to do.

go figure.

all because i screwed up some cookies.