Thursday, June 25, 2009

funny how things connect...

lying is fascinating stuff.

it's a subject i've watched closely my whole
life. lying has the power to change lives....
lying has the ability to take who you are away.
you get swallowed in the lies and no one knows
who you are anymore.....including you....
it can become such a part of you that you never
find your way back. you lie to yourself so much
that you don't even know truth from fiction

seen it happen?

i've also watched people who know they're dealing
with lying, try to deal with it. there's a lotta
different reactions.

one of the worst, i think, is the pretending they
believe the liar, humoring them just to make it all

suddenly all the interactions become fake.

oh, it's fascinating stuff where it all leads.

because of some of my history with this stuff, i feel
what i'd call a 'drive' to be real. i want to be
authentic and honest.

and so when i find myself sitting at a table getting
lied to straight at my face....the patience level
is pushed.

i know we'll get nowhere if i get up and say 'okay,
i'm done.' and i know that if i can hang in there, i
have a chance of helping....and so i sit there and
keep trying....and i play the game.

i hate playing games.
hate it.

i let that one slide.
i pretend with that one.

this is all feeling way too familiar.

i make a point of acknowledging the lying that has
taken place in the past. i ask how he can ask us
to believe him when he's admitted to lying. i tell
him i don't believe what he just said.

i do that.

but that's mixed in a thousand other times where
i nod or just listen.

i am astounded tho....

lying doesn't work. it just doesn't.
once you lose trust, you've lost everything.

why do people not see that?
why do they create a life around lies???
isn't it obvious that isn't a life???

okay....i'll make space for a confused, hurt,
angry teen. okay. SOME of that is part of the

but how about adults???
i stand totally confused on this.
and then.....i sit down in sorrow.
there has got to be some point where it's just too
late to change.
because if you changed, and became honest with yourself....
maybe it would just be too much to hold.

my heart splits open on that thought.

how tragic would it be to get to a point where it's
too late to live real?

my god, i pray, how tragic is that....

my heart splits open.....and compassion runs out.

i've been waiting for that.
couldn't find it.
only could find anger about it lately.


funny how things connect.
maybe compassion for one will lead to compassion
for the other.....and around and around it could

1 comment:

Zura said...

Ter, I read your blog a lot. And I rarely comment, which I feel bad about. Your posts are so profound. So deep. So provoking. It is hard to find something worthwhile to say in response. So I'm just saying hi to let you know I'm here reading.