okay, this one feels big and exciting to me
and i have no idea how to convey it.
fortunately sitting and trying to explain
it to his engineer mind helped me at least
figure out how to put some of it into words.
there's something i do sometimes when i'm
with him that i've never done in my life
oh....and i am so lost on explaining it..
i will deliberately reach deep inside me
and touch something that i've got to call
love. i'll touch this energy or whatever
and i'll tune into it. i'll become it.
or i'll lose me or something like that.
and then i will pour it towards him.
i don't think 'okay, i'm gonna lose myself
and then soak this stuff up and then shoot
it his way.'
don't do that.
i just step into it and sorta become it.
and if i can stay in it, i can turn towards
him and share it.
i'm still tryin'....
it's different than feeling love towards
when i feel love towards him, i feel it in
my heart. sometimes gratitude will flood
me or even that feeling of love, but it
will come from my heart.
he said same deal for him.
same deal for you guys?
know what i mean?
when i feel a certain emotion, if i stop
and feel where in my body it's coming from,
i can feel it in a certain part of me.
this is different.
i can't do that with this.
it's not in my body.
it's outside of me. and yet the only way
i can tap into it is going deep inside of me.
i sure hope someone knows what i'm talking about
and is nodding.
so this is something i have done a bit now.
not really consciously. just at times when i felt
i needed to.
sometimes when i had to reach love and didn't know
how and just went desperately looking, and other
times when i just opened to it.
relatively new thing.
just have done that with him.
well, it occurred to me yesterday that i'm getting
better and better at it. and that it really may
be a big thing.
it's like 'stepping into the flow' or 'opening to
the source' or something like that.
i don't know.
i just know it's real powerful.
what if i could do that in other areas???
he looked at me and said he thought i already did that.
i will tap into kindness, or empathy, or openness or
something like that.
isn't that the same? he asked.
no. those are all sisters of it. or part of it.
but what i'm talkin' about is IT.
i have no idea how i would.
i can't even imagine sittin' around a table with friends
and just quietly trying to do this.
i'm laughing thinking about it.
i'm sure i would look really odd and would be lost in
feeling self conscious and not pull it off.
so i don't know how practical this is.
but i was thinking if i practiced, maybe i could.
maybe i could actually pull this off at some point.
am i making any sense at all???
here it is nutshelled.....
i've found a way to touch something i feel is beyond
me. altho i'm not sure logistically how i do that.
if i could figure out how i do it and practice and
work on doing it in an every day situation, it could
really be an amazing thing.
now. i spose if i pulled it off all the time, i'd
be some kinda awesome funky enlightened being.
and um. we all know better.
so i'm not shooting for enlightenment.
i'm shooting for a few moments in my lifetime where
i can DELIBERATLY touch something beyond me in an
ordinary daily experience and just stay in that moment
for a bit and share it with whoever i'm with.
i have stumbled onto this kinda thing by accident
before....but this would be a deliberate thing.
wouldn't that just be so awesome???
it would be touching love.
it would be becoming love.
a moment here. a moment there.
ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.
THAT would be awesome!
i'm not exactly sure how to practice this.
but i figure tryin' to type it out is a start in
tryin' to do something with it.