Monday, July 20, 2009

that knowing stuff again....

so i'm walkin' and not goin' anywhere in
particular in my mind. wanderin', meanderin',
not workin', just walkin'....

when a memory comes joltin' thru me.

when i split up, my husband was pretty angry
and liked to remind me that i was nothing,
had nothing, and was ruinin' the kids' lives.

we had homeschooled them their whole lives and
had a real family centered lifestyle. he told
me that we'd have to put them in public school,
disrupt everything they knew...and on and on.
you get the picture.

the kids mean everything to me.
and so i just knew i had to make it work.
there was no question in my mind.
there was no doubt.
it HAD TO WORK.

anyone looking from the outside in.....
even if they weren't an angry husband.....
wouldn't have believed it could work.
in fact, i'm not sure anyone but me did.

when i look back at those early days and all
i did to make it work, i'm amazed.

and as i walked, i remembered everything that
was in my way.....and still.....still....with
all that.....i knew i would make it work.

i don't think i've ever applied that to anything
else in my life.

and i'm wonderin' why not.

is there nothing else that matters that much to
me?

well, you know......there is.

there's my health, there's my relationship with
bob, there's my relationship with me.....

there are things.
and i don't think i've ever even come close to
the same iron determination, do whatever you
got to do and make it work stuff.

i'm not exactly sure how you get it.
do i just say 'okay, i've been missing that and
i am changing that right now?'

maybe i need to sit with each thing and really
acknowledge how much each thing means to me.
really see it. really hold it. and then feel the
knowing that i can make it all work.

i'm not sure.
that'll be my ponderings today.
i think they're big ones.

it's beyond commitment...
it's a knowing.

shoot.
that knowing stuff is pretty big stuff.

2 comments:

Merry ME said...

I believe the determination is there. It seems to be an integral part of your make-up. What might be different in each the situations you mention is that you haven't been pushed into the corner (God forbid you are). If your health were compromised, or your relationship(s), I'm pretty sure your ferocious determination would spring forth and you'd do everything you could think of to make a successful ending.

Melbo said...

At cetain times in life, it does come down to a primal level to survive. Knowing what is important and giving that your all also means you let other stuff go, stuff that ultimately wasn't important to you -- at least at that time. We all achieve seemingly miraculous accomplishments in times of crisis and chaos. What I've learned though, is I CAN achieve any goal, no matter what the price. In these times free of true crisis and chaos, I choose to find a balance and live a "good enough" life.