mullin', mullin', mullin'..........

i've just begun the mulling.
(ya gotta read the post below first)

and i came up with something.
i got a nice comment sayin' i had the
determination, but just hadn't been shoved
into any need for action (thanks, mary)
think that's a good point. but i think
there's more too....

cause there are times i feel like giving
up on my relationship with my guy.
one could say i've been shoved into the
corner. i don't have the same determination.
altho, when i look at the work i put into it,
i think maybe i'm selling myself short there.
i have been pretty determined.
but i have wobbled an awful lot too.

there is something different.

there is something different not just with
him, but with other things in my life.
there's a different feeling.

so what is it?

and i thought about it.

there's history.

with my kids, i didn't have any history
of not being able to take care of them.
so maybe i wouldn't have the doubt?

with my relationships, i've got history.
a lotta pain.
and i've got doubt.

with health issues....i may not have history
with me personally, but i have history of
losing friends and people i care about. i've
been touched deeply by that stuff. again,
a lotta pain.

there's history all around me that casts
big shadows of doubt.

and i know, plain out know, that doubt
is a killer.

so is my level of painful history affecting
my level of doubt?

yeah, you would think so.

and how sucky is that?!
does that mean my history creates my future?

does that mean that past pain creates future
pain????

hmmmmmmmm...........

think on that one.
think on that one and you may just feel some
determination kick in.

i'm thinking this is really really fascinating.