that knowing stuff again....

so i'm walkin' and not goin' anywhere in
particular in my mind. wanderin', meanderin',
not workin', just walkin'....

when a memory comes joltin' thru me.

when i split up, my husband was pretty angry
and liked to remind me that i was nothing,
had nothing, and was ruinin' the kids' lives.

we had homeschooled them their whole lives and
had a real family centered lifestyle. he told
me that we'd have to put them in public school,
disrupt everything they knew...and on and on.
you get the picture.

the kids mean everything to me.
and so i just knew i had to make it work.
there was no question in my mind.
there was no doubt.
it HAD TO WORK.

anyone looking from the outside in.....
even if they weren't an angry husband.....
wouldn't have believed it could work.
in fact, i'm not sure anyone but me did.

when i look back at those early days and all
i did to make it work, i'm amazed.

and as i walked, i remembered everything that
was in my way.....and still.....still....with
all that.....i knew i would make it work.

i don't think i've ever applied that to anything
else in my life.

and i'm wonderin' why not.

is there nothing else that matters that much to
me?

well, you know......there is.

there's my health, there's my relationship with
bob, there's my relationship with me.....

there are things.
and i don't think i've ever even come close to
the same iron determination, do whatever you
got to do and make it work stuff.

i'm not exactly sure how you get it.
do i just say 'okay, i've been missing that and
i am changing that right now?'

maybe i need to sit with each thing and really
acknowledge how much each thing means to me.
really see it. really hold it. and then feel the
knowing that i can make it all work.

i'm not sure.
that'll be my ponderings today.
i think they're big ones.

it's beyond commitment...
it's a knowing.

shoot.
that knowing stuff is pretty big stuff.