death stuff

he's facing his own death.

it's a lot for any one of us to face.
throw in one heck of a complicated past,
and i can't imagine even trying to
deal with it.

brings several thoughts up for me....

preparing now while i don't 'have' to.

yeah.
seriously.

living in a way that is something you won't
regret. dealing with regrets now. and
making changes now that need to be made.

seriously.
i think of people passing who never get the
chance to deal with any of that....

well.....maybe now's the time.
no maybe about that, huh?
sure would make living better all the way
around.

the other thought...
a bit more complicated....

i watch him shutting someone close to him out.
i think of the reasons why.
there's plenty of them.

but what about this?

what about the anger and frustration and fear
of seeing the end coming? do you get in a mindset
that the world owes you?

that you don't owe the world?
that the world owes you since it's taking your
life away?

i don't know.
but that seems like a real easy place to get to.
very human. and maybe a natural stage to go thru.

so i thought of that this morning.

i thought that was wrong. and the world didn't
owe you. your life is a gift. and you owe that
gift.

and then i shook my head on that one.

nah.

that doesn't seem quite right either.

and i went back to the 'it's all about you' thing.

maybe the only place you owe anything to ever
is yourself.

but i don't mean in a 'buy yourself cookies and
doughnuts all day' kinda thing.

i mean in a 'become all who you are' kinda thing.

i guess it has to depend on your beliefs.

but i'm thinking, for me, anyway, that that's it.

so at the end....
shutting people out because the world owes you....
well, i know that direction is wrong.

opening your heart to all you can because it's
all about you....well, that feels way right.

and i sit here and wonder if there's any way i
can share this thought with him...

i think of my dad.
i don't think he woulda heard.
that makes me sad.

i think of this man.
i don't think he'll hear either.
and the sadness is there for that too.

so do i try?

and then i think to preparing for my own death.
living now. offering now.
giving and opening now.
changing regrets.

i think maybe i have to.
because then i can't be sad about closing
my own heart.
i will have opened it.

and i'll take the next step too....
accepting that my opening will not always
be wanted.

that might feel sad.
but it sure is different than regretting
i never opened.