remembering the good...

i don't usually do the memory lane thing
about him. sometimes when something funny
comes up with the guys i'll say something
like 'ohmygosh, remember when dad did this??'
and we'll laugh about the fun we had.

i like to do that.
feels healthy and right for the guys to
hear that enjoyment from me.

i rarely do it alone in my mind tho.

tonite, i found myself wandering around my
yard as it was turning dark.

and i couldn't help it.
i started walkin' down memory lane.

he wanted the house because of the yard
for the boys to play in. it really is
a great yard.

he was a tree lover and planted trees
everywhere. but he tried to be strategic
and leave places for running and ball games.
always aware of the play patterns.

i sat in a chair and looked at this one
area we used to play some kooky ball
game. we even hooked up lights at nite
so we could play in the dark and we
would hoot and holler and have a ball.

i smiled as i remembered.
one of his finest points, i thought.
he could play with us and it was fun.

i wanted to reach out and tell him i was
thinking of him...that i remembered the
good.

but i can't.

he's still too angry at me.

i guess i could still be angry at him.
at times i am.

but tonite....i was just remembering a good
time that was really truly good.

and i know the right thing to do is leave him
be.

i know sometimes the most loving thing to do
for someone is to just send love quietly from
your own corner of the world.

the fact that i could do that tonite felt
almost like a miracle.

it's been a long time gettin' to this spot.
and i don't expect to stay in it.

but for tonite.....i can send some love.

and that feels real good on my end.

even if it's quiet and he'll never know.