Wednesday, August 26, 2009

thinking out loud......

here's some heavy personal stuff to
throw on out there...

wonderin' if other women can relate...

i honestly like myself.
i mean, i can kick myself pretty good
about stuff....and i know i shouldn't.
i can certainly improve here and there.
all that normal stuff.

but i honestly like myself.

and i believe that i would be worth
any fight to keep.

i believe that.

thing i don't believe is that anyone else
knows that.

now....gotta be careful here.
i do believe my guy gets that. and i do
believe he's proven that as well.
so this isn't about him.
altho, with him....i believe it in my head.

in my bones, i'm not so sure.

but honestly, this isn't about him.
it's about me.
and maybe about you.

i know darn well why i feel this way.
string of events that screamed loud and
clear to me that this is the way it is.
people won't fight for you, and they
don't see your worth.

i could lay it all out there in its stunning
glory. it's amazing how steady a message was
sent for a long period of time.

but that doesn't matter.
it is what it is.
and it did what it did.

now what do i do with that???

in my head, i can do all the logic.
i can see all the reasons.
i get that it wasn't about me.
everyone is operating from their own stuff.
i get that.

in my head.

how do you get it in your bones????

how do you get stuff down deep in your bones??

do you live a whole life feeling like that,
or do you change it???

i'm always workin' on changin' things in
my bones.

i feel like i've actually made a little progress
with that in some areas. i know it can be done.

not sure how tho. not sure what combination of
things gave me the progress i got.

i do think putting it out here and sharing it
and helpin' other women see their stuff along
with helpin' me see my stuff....that all helps.
a bit.

but i want the bone changin' stuff right now.
i want to be done with that stinkin' feeling.

i want to scream to the universe 'TAKE IT!
i want to throw it off.
stomp on it.
bury it.
walk away from it.

and i type this....i remember some
of the stuff i've read.....

you have to embrace it first.
hold it.
cradle it.
love it.
make peace with it.

then maybe it can go away.


i hadn't thought of that til just now.....

maybe i should work on that.....
thanks for letting me think out loud.....

1 comment:

Merry ME said...

Have you tried forgiveness?
I know, much easier said than done.

My experience has been that things come back but each time the pain is a little less. No, maybe not the actual pain, but the time it takes me to get out of that place.

Like salad dressing, I think if we can take the things in our lives - good, bad, and completely poopy - and mix them all together that eventually the good is going to rise to the top. But to get the real flavor you have to shake it up a bit, mix it all together. Then when you pour it on your salad, you get a taste of all, a nice blend of who we really are.

You are the Terri you are today, the woman of grace and goodness and love and art and conviction and beauty and fury, because of the things that happened in your life. I believe the good you do/are is going to outshine the poop everyday. And trust me, even tho poop happens it doesn't have to rule you like it once did. You are in charge. You are the boss. You get to choose.