Tuesday, September 15, 2009

the game.

i don't get the games.
i used to.
i used to live the games.

i used to live the games so well that i almost
lost myself in the process.

once i grabbed myself, and saved myself from drowning,
i swore off the games. i don't want any part of them
anymore. sometimes i find myself in them and my entire
being reacts to them. they can never be a way of life

i keep thinking that all you gotta do is figure out
you're playin' them, and then you won't want to anymore.

but it doesn't seem to work that way.

i thought if you walked thru hell because of the games,
you'd figure it out and you'd change. i thought hell
would break you in two and part of you would crawl out
and change.

i thought if you lost something so precious in the world
because of the games you would drop them, do whatever it
takes to change. swear off the games.

i thought if you got to death's door, you figured it
out. and if you got to return from that door,
you changed. you grabbed honest and real. you left the
games behind.

i thought wrong.
i've seen both. the dropping of the games and the holding
on tight and the resuming of the games.
the games become reality.

i never know what to do with that.
i don't know how to accept it.
i don't know how to confront it.

and i'm afraid of the knowing i do have.
because you see, i know all to well how to step in
and dance with the game.

and that scares me.

one thing i pray for the most.....
don't let me get caught in the game ever again.
because as hard as it is sometimes.... i never ever
want to lose real.

i never ever want to lose life.
i never ever want to play the games again.

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