i keep trying....

dripping wet. haven't even hit the shower
yet. just came in from a walk in the rain.
huge huge things floating in my head this
morning...

the biggest most personal thing i can
talk about...opening my heart for real.
this is hard for me to put out. and i think
incredibly important to offer.

as nutshelly as i can possibly be....

it's not secret i'm in love with bob.
it's also no secret that the ride together
is way bumpy. his rough family life has
created a lotta waves for us. it hit a
certain spot that seemed to tip me outta
the boat and into the water.

i've been floundering ever since.

and now i find that to get thru stuff,
i have closed off parts of me.

i am at a crossroads. i have a choice
of three picks as far as i can tell.

1. i can stay closed and get thru things
and stay with bob and be someone i don't
want to be. my entire goal is to open not
to close. so i give up the goal, but keep
bob. (altho, he wouldn't accept that, but
that would be his choice, not mine.)

2. i let go of bob and keep aiming for my
goal. altho...one would have to wonder if
i could ever really feel i achieved the goal
if i couldn't do it here.

3. i keep bob and i open my heart. which means
painful things ahead and i hurt my way thru
them.

oh great. huh?
so i walked in the rain and it all became
clear. that's my choices. pick.

as i was thinking about it two other thoughts
mingled in....

problem with dating someone wise is that they
say things you just can't ignore. years and
years ago bob wrote me this incredible email
and one little snippet i took from it and hung
it on my wall. 'once you've made your choice,
it becomes a matter of trust.'

once you've made your choice, it becomes a
matter of trust.

that's a rockin' cool sentence.
and it's been haunting me this morning.

and one of the most rockin' cool sentences i've
ever written is 'strength lies in the opening
of the heart.' i don't think i can ever articulate
how much that sentence means to me and how much
i believe truly opening is the hardest thing ever.

okay...now throw in what i was listening to
yesterday. the who is the how.
i think to nutshell that whole thing you could
just say it's all about HOW you do things.
that's what matters. not what you get are who
you think you are. it's how you live.

great.
you can see how you mix all this together with
some rain drops all around you and your goal
in mind to open your heart.
oh it's a no brainer.
you gotta pick open your heart and stay with bob.
oh yeah.

and as soon as i told myself that, the tears
started coming.

you see, i know that's the hardest choice.

we're goin' away yet again today.
it's been awkward and strained between us.

i know without a doubt if i live in the moment
and concentrate on opening my heart, we'll have
an incredible trip.

i also know that if i open the door for that,
i am stepping down a path that is gonna hurt.
a lot.

the thought about wanting something different.
something easier, something more tidy and painfree...
that would be really nice.

and then i thought about the HOW.
it's not what you have, its HOW you have it.
and then if you live the HOW right...
then you have everything.

ohmygosh.

it's a totally zennish yin yangy kinda thing that
i know i have to open to.

and i'm really afraid to.

i also read yesterday that having courage isn't
not being afraid. it's being afraid and doing it
anyway.

when i look at the big picture, i doubt myself.
i'm not sure i can pull it off.

but when i look at the moments.....the HOW.
living the moments HOW i want to live....
then i think i might do it.

it's also interesting to note the internal struggle
of stepping into the how. it doesn't come
naturally for me. protection comes way more natural.

i'm headin' off today to live like i want to live.

and i think for awhile i'm gonna have to make a
conscious effort every day to make that choice.
maybe a conscious effort every moment???

and as i put our sentences together here, i smile...
we always have been a pretty cool team:

strength lies in the opening of the heart.
once you've made your choice, it becomes a matter
of trust.