lettin' the cube melt and grabbin' some tea

i was thinking about anger this morning as i got
out of the shower....

was thinking how i posted the other day that i'm
still angry at my ex for making me feel like i
needed to be thinner.

well ya know what??
i put the anger on him as it's really easy to
put it there. it stays there nice and neatly
and i don't need to deal with it too much.

but what i realized this morning.....was......
it's not HIM i'm angry at.
it's me.

it's me.

i'm so angry at myself for allowing that garbage.
for not seeing. for feeling less than. for accepting
that and then turning it onto my own self and believing
it.

i'm mad at me.

i really am.

how could i?
how could i?

and then i thought of a talk i had with my guy yesterday.
he was helpin' me with something else. and reminding me
that where we were at certain points in our lives is
where we were.

we did what we could from those places.
and that's okay. that's where we were.

sometimes i have that concept down.
sometimes i'm good, got it.
and sometimes i just fall over backwards and scream
HOW COULD I EVER HAVE BEEN THERE???

it's at those times i see that i don't have it
down real good. grin.

the anger is good in a way as i want to make sure
i don't go there and allow that stuff again....
but it's not good in another way as i need to see
that's the way it was, it's over, and now you know.

and if you know......truly know....
you don't need the anger.
cause you won't go there again.
cause you know better.

so think i need to drop that whole cube of anger.
just let it melt over there.

think that's the plan.
i'm gonna get a hot cup of tea and toast how far
i've traveled. and how far i have yet to go!
and watch the cube of anger melt....