on my mind....

i've always felt like a 'plain jane.'
not pretty. not ugly. just plain.
and yeah, a lotta times i wished i was
prettier.

then one day, a long time ago....i got
poison ivy really really bad all over my
face. my face totally became disfigured.
i remember i had to go pick up a prescription
for my face and i was totally humiliated to
walk to the store and then to stand in line
at the pharmacy.

it was my first and only experience with
disfigured. and it was really really hard.
plain jane looked real good after that. and
i have never forgotten that feeling of being
ashamed to look up.

somewhere deep inside, i understand how important
the face is. and maybe between that understanding,
and my tiny little moment with a disfigured one,
maybe that's why i can't get this one girl outta
my mind.

it's one of the stories that we'll be sharing real
soon that patty, from south africa, shared with me.
about a girl that was raped and then stabbed repeatedly
in the face.

from the moment i read that, i haven't put it down.
patty writes of holding her and telling her she was
beautiful and then covering her face with kisses.

i had loved patty from the start of the notes, and
when i read that, i loved her with my entire soul.

walkin' (on the treadmill) this morning, i thought of
that girl. trying to put rape down and move on is a
tremendous task in itself. i don't think you ever
leave it behind. you survive, you become more, but
it stays with you. so there's a big enough hurdle.

how about her face? how will she ever know that she's
beautiful? that she's worthy? that she matters?
how will she ever forget the trauma and move on to good?
i walked and held her in my heart and
loved her. from way over here. from someone she'll never
see. i so wanted to hold her and kiss her face right
along with patty's kisses.

i was frustrated last nite. i felt like he wasn't hearin'
me with this stuff.
he stopped, looked at me and said 'tell me.'
i told him that there hasn't been a day i haven't thought
of all this. that it's so inside me right now.

he asked me what i was thinking. i told him this and that
and this other thing.......but i never mentioned this story.
i'm not even sure if i've told him this story. the one
i can't get out of my mind.

sometimes the things i hold the deepest, i have the hardest
time sharing. it's not cause i don't trust others so much
as i don't trust me to put it out in a way that truly expresses
what i feel. and to have you miss it and keep goin' when it
matters so much to me....that's hard.

she's one girl in millions all over the world.....yes, i get it,
right in my neighborhood too....all over....that has been
scarred in a way that will take tremendous strength to survive
and spirit beyond belief to become more.

she can do it. it's not impossible.
but it's miraculous.

women everywhere.....doin' miraculous things.
and holdin' each other until they can stand up and hold
their faces to the sun.

i am so moved that we do that for each other.
i am so moved that we have the strength to keep goin'.

does it really matter to that girl so far away that i'm
holdin' her in my heart like this? i have no clue.
but i have got to believe it does.

i have got to believe it does.