Friday, October 2, 2009

a special day all around....

okay, weird mix in my head.
see if you can follow.
hang on for the ride!

27 years ago today, i got married.
not married any more...
but i don't think i'll ever forget
the anniversary.

gorgeous gorgeous day.
wonderful wedding....low key and
more on the homey side. just thinking
of it makes me smile.

i can't help but look back over those
married years.

when i got divorced, there was something
inside of me that was really sad about
something i lost.

now....there were a gazillion things lost
and lots of parts of me sad over gazillions
of things.

but one part in particular is what i remembered
i asked a friend way back when i was splitting up
about it. she had been divorced years before
and i wondered if she understood what i was feeling.

oh yeah.
she got it right away.
and i remember her saying 'it's sort of an innocence.
you'll never look at things quite the same. you
lost an innocence.'

and i remember being really sad about that.
felt like i lost part of me.

now turn to the last couple of days.
something keeps coming up in my mind.
something about me being an 'adult' (for lack
of a better word.)

the last couple days i've had the thought several
times that i really feel like an adult. that
i've seen too much pain and sadness and i am
beginning to grasp that life isn't always pretty.
(yeah, i'm a little slow with that concept)
that i now have the eyes of an adult. i feel depths
i never did when i was younger.

and it's been a good feeling.
a calm good feeling.

this morning i caught day break again.
i was a daybreak fiend this week.

i stood up on my corner and looked at the sky
with it's pink streaks and i soaked it in like
a sponge.

i thought 'i never want to let this go.'
and then i smiled.
it'll turn into a day sky you never want to
let go of, ter.

and then that'll turn into a nite sky you never
want to let go of.
and over and over again.

i laughed.
'jeesh, i'm a greedy sucker' i said to myself.

and as i turned to walk home, i thought about
how things seemed even more beautiful to me as
i get older. there's a different way of holding
them. there's so many wounds and scars inside me
and because of those, things seem extra precious.

don't know why.
just seems to be that way.

and i thought of how cool it was to be 48.
and how cool it was to love the sky so much
even with all the scars inside.

and i remembered that feeling of an innocence lost.
that feeling that i lost part of myself.

i think there's some saying about having to lose parts
of yourself to gain others.

i didn't know that then.
but looking back from this point, i really see it.

i couldn't have gained what i feel this morning
without losing what i grieved over years ago.

tonite we celebrate my guy's 50th birthday.
it woulda been my wedding nite 27 years ago.
i am not the same person i was way back then.
and yet, i honor her with all my heart.

so in between toasts, i'm gonna take a little sip
and toast the turns of life, the losses and the
gains...and finally growin' into an adult.

1 comment:

t2 said...

I love this, Ter. The part about lost innocence really hit home. I never thought of it that way before...or maybe I just couldn't put it into words. Yes, I lost that too. Thanks for putting your finger on it, and sharing what you learn along the way, as you so often do. xoxoxox