i thought it would be easier.
it wasn't horrible.
but i thought it would be easier.
i've come a long way.
i've done really good with so much
my skin crawling here and there caught
me off guard.
i wasn't expecting it.
i would push the feeling down and keep
goin. then a comment would bring it
when she handed me the bottle all wrapped
up she said '...and if you're anything like
me you'll really like this.'
i knew it was alcohol.
i have alcohol issues.
i have issues with my family and alcohol.
i opened the paper and pulled out the bottle.
i forgot my sons were in the room.
i had no idea they were watching me closely.
later they told me they were all staring at me
wondering what i would do.
mostly gracefully and with much effort i said
'oh. look at this.
ya know, i don't drink so this really is something
you may want to keep. i would prolly just regift
it so why don't you keep it.'
and i handed it back.
the phone rang.
she went to the next room to answer it.
yo reached across the couch to me with his fist
up lookin' for a fist bump of congratulations.
he smiled at me.
i bumped his fist and smiled back.
she has no idea who i am.
what i've struggled with and how i feel
and in some small tiny way it felt so good to
say 'it's okay you don't know, but i know.'
it wasn't all that long ago i couldn't claim
my truth out loud.
it's okay you don't know.....
but i know.....
that feels sooooo good.