but i know.....

i thought it would be easier.

it wasn't horrible.
but i thought it would be easier.

i've come a long way.
i've done really good with so much
of it.
my skin crawling here and there caught
me off guard.

i wasn't expecting it.

i would push the feeling down and keep
goin. then a comment would bring it
back up.

when she handed me the bottle all wrapped
up she said '...and if you're anything like
me you'll really like this.'
i knew it was alcohol.

i have alcohol issues.
i have issues with my family and alcohol.

i opened the paper and pulled out the bottle.

i hesitated.
i forgot my sons were in the room.
i had no idea they were watching me closely.
later they told me they were all staring at me
wondering what i would do.

mostly gracefully and with much effort i said
'oh. look at this.
ya know, i don't drink so this really is something
you may want to keep. i would prolly just regift
it so why don't you keep it.'

and i handed it back.

the phone rang.
she went to the next room to answer it.

yo reached across the couch to me with his fist
up lookin' for a fist bump of congratulations.
he smiled at me.
i bumped his fist and smiled back.

she has no idea who i am.
what i've struggled with and how i feel
about things.
and in some small tiny way it felt so good to
say 'it's okay you don't know, but i know.'

it wasn't all that long ago i couldn't claim
my truth out loud.

but now.
it's okay you don't know.....
but i know.....

my gosh.
that feels sooooo good.