Monday, December 28, 2009

peekin' thru my fingers....

something's hit me that i haven't figured out
yet. which means i shouldn't write about it
yet!!! but would a confused mind ever be enough
to stop my ramblings???

it's the midlife thing.....
the changes that happen.
and no, i don't mean physical changes...

the inside changes...

it's the seeing things differently.
more clearly for what they are.

sometimes that's really cool.

and sometimes it's enough to make my bones

i think maybe part of midlife is really
leaving the childhood visions of things behind.

please understand me....i don't mean leave the
child like wonder and excitement behind.
i never want to leave that behind.

but the child like easy answers.
the child like perceptions of people.

cause answers aren't always easy.
and sometimes they just aren't what we want
to see.

i think part of the midlife passage....
and i'm guessing as i'm only on one side of it
so that i will see things for
what they are....and my bones will tremble...

and maybe i'll know i passed thru and made
it to the other side when my bones stop trembling
and when i can just do that wise nod and say
'yep. that's the way it is.' and not tremble.

but i'm thinking.....i can't get there without
first seeing the stuff i don't want to see.
covering my eyes cause i can't believe it.
peeking thru my fingers and looking
again. pulling my hands from my face and really
seeing. trembling at what i'm seeing.

i'm kinda in the peeking thru my fingers stage
and doin' a little trembling....

before i would have said i had to hold it all
a bit.

now i know i'm gonna have to get a clear vision
and really know what i'm seeing and then i'm
gonna have to let it pass thru me. let it run
right thru my insides, touching my heart as it
passes and then letting it run back out to the

i've got a plan now.....
one that may very well get me to that wise
nodding one of these days.

i've got some seeing to do.
some trembling to do.
some flowing to do.
and eventually.....some accepting to do.

life is never dull.


Merry ME said...

Dani wrote in a recent post of becoming a "matriarch instead of a 'mommy'". For some reason I've got a picture of becoming a "crone"
as I read about your mid-life growing.

Although crone doesn't have the best of connotations, I kind of like the idea of being the wizened old woman that people look to for wisdom.

Maybe midlife is nothing more than a way station on life's journey of becoming a true woman. No, not true, because each stage has its own truth. How about "full" - growing into your fullness as a woman.

By peeking through your fingers you are getting glimpses of what is to be.

Sheryl said...

Thank you for sharing yourself. The puzzlement and the wonder in your posts open up thoughts and ideas that would otherwise stay locked inside.
Enjoy your time away